Transfem

It sounds like you were holding out hope that the pieces of your life would fall into place in the course of transition. It must be crushing to still feel so lost. The obvious first thing is to resume therapy. You're thinking about doing it, the rest of your post screams that you should do it, other people are commenting that you should do it. Don't delay it. Especially if finding a therapist is a pain the ass, which I assume means looking for one now won't pay off for a long time.

Regarding the failed friendships, I can only say that the lifecycle of adult friendships is often short and it isn't necessarily a reflection on you. Also, a staggering number of people just don't put in the work to keep friendships alive. Don't beat yourself up over it. Keep reaching out, but if people aren't reaching back... Meh.

I don't want to sound preachy about alcohol. You're already on top of that. I just want to say that as a previously pretty light drinker, I still feel the benefit of stopping entirely. I do sometimes miss the ritual of a glass of red while cooking dinner, but not enough to go back to it.

You said that you like running, and that's one activity you haven't mentioned doing in a group. Would you consider joining a running or hiking group? It seems like a low pressure way to incorporate other people into your lifestyle.

I also struggle to conceive of a fulfilling life without a romantic partner, but I try to steer myself towards appreciating the platonic relationships I've made and will continue to make. I also know that my loneliness is worse than it should be. I resent my own company, and seek the company of others to avoid myself. Solitude in moderate doses should not be torture. Again, therapy. I don't think it's wise to focus on your hypothetical partner, as it can blind you to how rich and varied life can be outside of that pursuit. Be open to it, but don't fixate on it.

You didn't elaborate on why you can't keep a job for long, but you're clearly an intelligent and tenacious person, and I get the feeling that you're just taking jobs to get by rather than looking for one that makes you tick. I wonder if that's tied to your low self esteem, because you don't believe you deserve a more fulfilling job. Something that takes up as much of your life as a job does should feel somewhat rewarding aside from the money you're making. Also, as someone who's lacking sufficient human connection, you shouldn't be settling for a lonely job. By that I mean either a job performed in solitude, or a workplace with a shitty culture.

A lot of what you're saying resonates with me, except I'm very early in my transition, so it's kind of like you're reminding me how important it is to keep working on myself. I'm not magically going to become the woman I want to be because of hormones and surgeries. Loving oneself and feeling valid in this world is still its own endeavour. As important as it is to find kinship with others, it should never be at the expense of being who you are.

The loneliness had always been a challenge for me. Even before I knew I was trans, I went places looking for something not sure of what: beaches, boardwalks, arcades, pool halls, nightclubs, raves, electronics stores, museums, gaming, etc. Getting into synthesizers helped me get through a really difficult time.

I'm happy to talk if you want to DM me. I'm not in Germany but neighbors.

Jane Goodall said something very moving, to the effect that you matter and every day on this planet you make a difference.

The loneliness really hurts. Plus I have low self esteem that makes me feel like I will never excel at anything.

Just know you're not alone in this, low self esteem is very common in trans populations (and comorbid autistic populations, for those of us with both). Cognitive behavioral therapy can help - walking through how the low self esteem thoughts are often arbitrary or even just flat out wrong, etc. - this is an area where work with a therapist might continue to be useful?

Like, it drives me to the point where I think about detransitioning just so I can have a a better chance at finding friends or a partner.

You've had breast implants and a vaginoplasty, but you think detransitioning will help your chances of finding friends or a partner? What was your mental health like on testosterone, do you think taking testosterone would improve your mental health and social anxiety?

I guess I'm not sure I see this as entirely logical, and I'm wondering if I'm missing something - it sounds like what is really being expressed here is that passing as cis would improve your chances at finding friends, in which case what I wonder is why that isn't a goal or thought, instead of detransitioning why not lean into your transition more to affirm yourself and pass full-time?

I don't know what causes you to not pass 30% of the time, but identifying the causes and working on them could really help your mental health, at least that's true for me. Either way, investing in what it takes to pass as cis and then living in an assimilated / stealth way might be better for you and more effective for reaching your goals than detransitioning ...

Maybe passing better might change things but I don’t know and I am comfortable with being an androgynous slob. I tried to reinvent myself, but its futile. In the end I return to my original self.

so, this does sound like you are experiencing what I playfully call "gender rotting".

For a trans person, it takes work to change your voice, appearance, etc. and conform to cis norms, but for many of us the "easy" and comfortable thing is also dysphoria-inducing and damages our mental health. For me, an example would be relaxing my voice causing me to sound more like a man, which then makes me feel awful and dysphoric (as well as threatening to out me as trans in social situations).

So in my experience, it's just a matter of continuing to make persistent effort to feminize and live as your gender even when it's hard, but without being so effortful that you burn out and quit trying.

It's more important that you keep trying than being perfect or succeeding immediately or always - but the comfortable "androgynous slob" life might be not mentally good for you, and might make it harder for you to integrate into a cis-normative society. It's one thing if being gender non-conforming and androgynous is particularly affirming and positive for you (then what makes you "you" and happy is pitted against social norms, which is hard), but it's another thing if you don't feel great that way and you're just doing it because it takes effort to feminize.

To be honest, this is not just a trans experience - cis women also feel this battle and constant pressure to conform it gender norms, and they too can go through the self esteem issues, the gender rotting (not shaving, wearing sweatpants, not washing your hair, etc.), and so on.

I'm also noticing besides identifying the default / easy way of being as negative ("androgynous slob"), but you also essentialize - that because it's default or easy that it's what you really are, but this is just your low self esteem / "brainworms" talking. I struggle with this too (how could you not!?) - because my voice is naturally male sounding, I just assume when I'm feminizing my voice I'm being artificial and my "true" nature is this disgusting maleness. But this isn't really true - if it were, I wouldn't be feminizing my voice and I wouldn't be oriented this way, hating the way my voice sounds. Instead it's almost better to think of it like a disability - my body has been wrecked by testosterone and my mind has been abused by being forced to live as a man - and I live now with the negative side effects.

But if I weren't essentially a woman on the inside, I would have never done the insane things it takes to overcome having a male body and having been forced to live as a boy such that I can live as a woman now. If I were essentially that male slob I would have lived that way forever - but that's not who I am, that's just dysphoria.

This intersects with a comment I've made in the past, it's not infrequent that people ask what they can do about dysphoria, and this was my answer. One of the pieces of advice I gave seems relevant here:

spend time remembering your most euphoric and affirming moments, recall how you felt and stay with those feelings, close your eyes and replay those memories in your mind, affirm that you wish for yourself to feel this way in the future, explore what would make you feel good in the future, imagine and visualize a happy future for yourself - spend maybe 10 - 20 minutes doing this once a day. You might add affirming messages, whatever works for you.

Being able to regularly re-affirm / feel yourself as a woman is a way to combat the self-loathing and "gender rotting" that happens.

In my experience, feminizing and then passing as a woman tends to correlate with increased happiness for me - I notice if I never go outside my house and I don't end up doing makeup or washing my hair, etc. I end up with more frequent and more severe dysphoria. On days when I wash my hair, have social plans, etc. (as stressful and as much work as it is), I usually feel much better and have less dysphoria those days (and even the rest of the day).

In my experience it can also be hard to be in trans spaces or spaces that are masculine coded, so I have to titrate those experiences. Even going to a trans support group once a month can be a lot for me.

All this to say, just notice what makes you feel better and happier and what makes you feel worse - and then lean into what improves your mental health and avoid what worsens it.

Also, it should be said you just had a major life event by moving to a big city, and even people without the struggle of being trans find this overwhelming and lonely. Certainly take positive action to improve your mental health (seeing a therapist, feminizing more, making and spending time with cis girlfriends, etc.), but also just know that it won't always be like this and you will make friends and connections in the big city and life will become more normal.

Let me know if you need someone to chat with, I'm on Matrix and my DMs are open. Just know you aren't alone, that you are worth it, and that you are so close - lots of trans people would love to pass 70% of the time and have your life, and I say that not to shame you or say you should be grateful or something, but instead because at the very least you should see the hope in this, to see how small the gap is now.

Good luck dear, I wish you happiness and joy 💖

Finding a good therapist can help with a lot, it usually takes a few tries to find one that works well.

I too am an androgynous slob. Make up seems interesting but not really worth the time investment.

I feel more ease socializing online. I'm ok at it in person but the noise levels for in person socializing is generally too high for my comfort.

I moved cross country a few years ago to a city from a small town. I've met some people here, dated a few, most didn't stick.

I do have a gf and some other less defined relationships.

I don't know if Germany is comparable to where I am or not. I hope you find fulfilling relationships with people you enjoy being with.

I don't have anything to advise you but you're braver than me and I'm proud of you getting so far <3

Therapists are always necessary.

I envy your situation because I'm in online groups (e.g. discord servers) where I know German people and am friends with. Seems possible to visit in person, but I'm very far away from Germany.