The Onion

(Oslo, Norway) As the Nobel Committee begins their announcements of this year’s Nobel Prize winners, one eager hopeful recipient of the Peace Prize is taking decisive action to influence the results. Wednesday, the US dispatched a navel carrier task force, led by the USS Abraham Lincoln, to the waters off Norway in anticipation of receiving the prize. Two Marine rapid response landing groups are with the fleet as well.

“We want to make sure the prize has a triumphant return to America,” said Pete Hegseth, leader of the newly renamed US Department of War. “Norway should be honored to have this lethal, heavily armed flotilla off their coast while they announce the winner.”

The president also declared the fleet had a peaceful purpose. “There’s nothing more peaceful than being at sea, nothing,” he said at a golf course outside Washington DC. “You know Lincoln received the peace prize, thats why we sent the Lincoln. He was also a Republican.” [Ed. Note: The Nobel Prize first started 37 years after Lincoln’s death] “I don’t think it would kill the committee to give me the prize, not that these boats couldn’t easily kill them, easily.”

Press Secretary Kathlene Leavitt was also optimistic of the president’s chances. “No president in history is more peaceful than our president, who brings peace to Iran, Venezuela, and any American city that defies him. If the mainstream media can ever do a simple thing right, they will learn to enjoy his respect.”

The Nobel Committee could not be reached at their new underground bunker headquarters for details on the announcement.