AskTransgender

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A place to ask transgender people questions and get answers about the trans experience.

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How are you so strong? (infosec.pub)

submitted 3 weeks ago by KernelTale@programming.dev to c/asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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So I have accepted for some time now that I am a trans woman. I wear feminine clothes in public from time to time and it’s at the point that I don’t in the moment care if somebody stares at me. I have been voice training also for about a month and it feels great to be a woman among accepting people. I have also tried (DIY) estrogen and I love its emotional changes. The first day felt absolutely divine and I do not want to stop, however I am scared. I am lazy and I am not sure if I can do it every single day. These thoughts have been hunting me every day for the past week for multiple hours a day. Yesterday I was completely paralyzed by my own thoughts and I couldn’t do anything for 12 hours (-> I have probably failed my exam today), because the choice of facing the world or giving up estrogen is too hard. It got to a point that even suicide came to mind, just so I don’t have to choose. My gender dysphoria boy modding exists but it’s not strong. I am going to visit an uni psychologist soon because of this.

My question is: How did you figure out that this is the battle you want to fight?

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[–] renegadespork@lemmy.jelliefrontier.net 12 points 3 weeks ago

The first day felt absolutely divine and I do not want to stop

You've almost answered your own question. I cannot speak for all trans folk, so I'll just speak for myself.

I'm not strong. I get exhausted. Sometimes I feel like giving up or hiding. It's a lot of work even if there weren't people trying to erase us.

But when I give up; when I stop making progress, the dysphoria comes back, and it only gets stronger the longer I ignore it. It's the reason my egg cracked in the first place. Once I experienced life as myself, I can't go back.

No matter how hard it is to push forward, going back hurts even more.

[–] kersplomp@piefed.blahaj.zone 11 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

FWIW, I live in a trans sanctuary city so I don’t have to be brave. I just dress up cute and my doctors give me cheap estrogen and nobody cares. It’s practically boring to people here. Hope you find your way here someday!

[–] compostgoblin@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago

I’m so happy for you! I just recently visited a sanctuary city, and it was so nice, to see all the progress pride flags and openly queer people everywhere. I hope my relatively-progressive-for-the-area home city gets there someday

[–] Catpurple@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago

I have two people who seriously matter to me, my boyfriend and my bestie. To them, I matter. I have to keep hobbling forward through this batshit insane garbage evil world no matter what the fuck happens, for them. But I also just want to be the person I deserve to be, I want to fully self-actualize as myself, you know? And so, for those who want to stop me, I live to spite.

[–] thoughtfuldragon@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago

I ain't strong. And I'm trying to move the political landscape so others don't need to be strong either. I'm fine where I am for now but it's getting real bad in some places and I don't know how I'm gonna be if it gets that bad here. Best I can do is try to turn the tide.

[–] compostgoblin@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

How did you figure out that this is the battle you want to fight?

It’s not a battle I would choose to fight, but I don’t have any other choice. I know who I am, and I’m going to live as who I am, and I’m not going to let anyone stop me. I grew up in a very repressive environment, where I was taught to accept that I had to be who others (especially authority figures) expected me to be. And through a lot of therapy, I discovered that that was the root of a lot of my personal torment. It isn’t always easy, day to day, but I’m going to keep pushing every day to love and celebrate the person that I am, because I can’t stand to live any other way.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 4 points 3 weeks ago

Jumping out of a building gets a lot easier when you feel the fire at your back

[–] hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago

I took estrogen and things started to feel normal, so I kept going. Its not strength. Its not a battle. Its following a new path at your own pace. Eventually you figure out what you need to do to keep going.

[–] lwhjp@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 3 weeks ago

I stopped fighting. Trying to be someone I wasn't was literally killing me.

Sure, there's a lot to learn at first about How To Girl, and the dysphoria sucks until the hormones work their magic. But now I can just be me, no filter. Life is so much easier than it was before. And that means I can deal with any shit that comes my way without it overwhelming me.