Ask Lemmy

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I think I agree with your sentiment that sex is overrated. I quite enjoy it, but the way it is portrayed in media is usually more extreme than my own feelings and those of men around me.

I remember when I was around 16-18. I started to diet and exercise, was on the tail end of puberty in my physical prime and drenched in hormones. Went to high school and was surrounded by people my own age experiencing the same. Culture and marketing leads to high school girls constantly fighting with the adults and dress codes to wear skimpier, tighter clothing. I had my first girlfriend and we were both excited to start messing around. And there's a philosophical component- why do we exist? We are a repeating pattern (DNA) that exists not for a reason, but because it can. Life that does not procreate dies, so in a sense procreation is the most life-y thing you can possibly do.

At the same time, I knew better. I was lucky to have sex education and not be in a very religious household. A couple of friends, and my first girlfriend, were victims of sexual assault. I had seen other men succumb to their desires, ruin their own lives, hurt people around them. Not to mention the very real threats of pregnancy and disease. So even while my physiology craved it and my philosophy guided me towards it, my mind pumped the brakes.

The physiology waned as I got older. Or perhaps just distracted with college and work, maintaining an apartment and then a house. My energy was directed elsewhere. My wife and I quickly settled on having sex roughly once a week.

About a year ago though, we created a polycule with another couple. It was really hard for me to keep up at first. I would have to watch my nutrition- make sure I don't overwat or ear heavy and greasy foods beforehand. Make sure I was working out and physically active in general, but not a full workout right before or else my muscles would be too tired. Mentally, I would have to start purposefully thinking about sex for several hours beforehand to make sure I was in the right headspace and ready to perform. The past 3 months have been suddenly dry due to just calendar issues and some minor medical procedures in the group, so I've found myself in this routine of trying to be horny and keep up but suddenly without the payoff of it. I also have a touch of the 'tism and really like predictable routines and long-term planning while the other 3 people are bi-polar or severe ADHD, and they all seem to have little issue with going from cozy to horny almost instantly.

The actual feeling of horniness I think is similar to most other biological functions. Being hungry or thirsty or sleepy, needing to urinate or defecate. I view it similarly, ideally on a roughly 2-4 day cycle. Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days. I'd find it difficult to get hard for a couple hours after, and difficult to cum again for at least 6, more like 24 hours after. By day 4 I noticed I start to get a little bit more irritable, a little bit more stressed out by little things. Longer than that and sexual thoughts start to interrupt my normal thoughts processes. Blue balls is real too. I know some men exaggerate the affect to manipulate women into sex, and some women have started to think blue balls isn't real, but the reality is that it's real minor inconvenience that I try to avoid.

The Wolf of Wall Street scene where they talk about masturbating multiple times a day is hyperbole, but not entirely inaccurate. I think there's a lot of value to a quick, utilitarian jack off for some cheap stress relief and clarity. Having sex with others is fun, but people obsess over it too much in my opinion.

I can't answer because I have it exactly the same as you OP, just maybe to add some points. As you said, I remember seeing my friends having this incredible drive, this incredible pull, like nothing in the world is more important right here right now than to get that girl tonight. Lying, backstabbing, spending money, anything goes. It was to the point they basically changed personalities almost completely. I remember the worst example was that one time one of my best friends tried to ridicule me in front of a girl he met like 30 min ago (and I saw he's immediately interested in her), because me and her were chatting about something and she seemed interested in the topic. I was like "dude wtf? I'm not trying to 'steal her' from you, we're just talking"

But anyway, some 2 cents what helped me with that. So I did 2 things at almost the same time and I'm not sure which one did the trick - I started exercising (running) and stopped masturbating. But my guess is it was the later, after like a month I felt like I could 'smell the colors' - I was constantly horny and my shyness went almost completely away. The pull still wasn't on the level of my friends, but yeah, there was a change in me

Every time you try to focus on anything besides wanting to cum your brain redirects you to that desire.

It takes some mental control to stay focused when the horny flares up.

Even if you masterbate, it usually only subsides for a few hours before the intrusive thoughts start popping up again.

The intensity of the feeling died down a lot after puberty was done with me.

For me, it feels urgent, like when i've not eaten the whole day and my blood sugar hits the point where you start shaking. And when i'm in a sexual situation, i feel approved, closeness, intimacy; there's nothing in the world that makes me feel loved and accepted as much as physical contact with someone i allow coming close to me. Hmm, might explain why i absolutely hate touchy people, the ones who touch your shoulder when talking to you are awful.

It’s hard…

I feel like there's multiple answers to your question and none of them are going to completely satisfy you(ba-dum-tiss)

First and easiest, is addiction. While it's been overused as an excuse for bad behavior some people become absolutely addicted to sex. From the chase to the event. Could be they enjoy conquering or being conquered. And you can't discount the absolute flood of feel good chemicals that go on while the event does. And still there are others who are just addicted to that level of intimate connection with another living human being.

Then we have the psychological and romantic viewpoint that often comes with it. The idea of being desired and desiring. Of being wanted and wanting. And that's a potent psychological trigger for a lot of people. And then on a deeper level you've got that some people this is the most intimate they'll ever be with another person and that's something they don't get to feel very often So when the opportunity or presents itself they want to do that.

And lastly you just have a biological imperative in a lot of people. For some of us are hardwiring screams a lot louder than it does for other people.

It's like a drug. Like when you're around a person you're attracted to and they'll say or do something that triggers shot of chemicals to your brain and all you can think about is how to get more of that feeling, which sucks if it wasn't intentional on their part and they're not interested in you because now you have to fight against basically a drugged state to shut that shit down while trying to be normal around them. Jerking off produces the same feeling but there's something missing that makes it less satisfying than being with another person.

Closest analogy I can think of is hunger, only I am more motivated to satisfy one than the other. Guess which.

Well, it's hard sometimes.

Imagine being hungry, but instead of wanting food, you want to put your dick in something and instead of your stomach feeling pain, it's your balls.

I can answer this one pretty definitely as I have been on both hormones. Being in a horny spiral as a man has the same pull as being in an emotional spiral as a woman. It's hard to get out of until you fuck/interact with someone that makes you feel better. Men are just as emotional as women, but only with fucking, fighting, fleeing, and feeding (the parts of the brain that testosterone stimulates). Women are just as emotional as men, but with all of the other emotions that men don't usually have to deal with

I've never been inside of a man yet, so I can't answer your question, sorry.

Sex can be fun, but tbh a lot of it is pretty underwhelming, especially if you don't understand each other, put in some effort or have good chemistry. When my partner and I are on holiday or have lots of free time we often have sex three or four times a day. But that's not because it's always mind-blowing, most of the time it's just a fun thing to do together.

The 'horny man' thing is a bit different. There's a kinda of arousal and drive that isn't really about the objective fun of sex, but the sense of pursuit. There's people I've slept with where the specific sextime wasn't necessarily amazing, but I had a huge crush on them and the feeling of satisfaction from finally hooking up was amazing. For me, that's usually pretty innocent "oh wow, I didn't know they liked me!" , but for some guys it's about perceived status in quite a douchey Andrew Tate kinda way.

There's also the genuine instinctual drive aspect. Times where I've not had sex in a while, and been thinking about it a lot (like visiting a long distance partner) it can make me pretty crazy. Especially if you do edging or orgasam denial, you can end up in a pretty delirious place. When that has built up for a while I definitely get to the stage where I will do super reckless things just to get release. For me, that's never a big problem because I only get in that state through choice, if I'm not planning on having sex with my partner I'll just jerk off and the urgency is gone. But the experience has given me a bit of understanding of why men sometimes do terrible and destructive things because of sex. I can literally feel my brain shutting down, and all sense of consequences disappearing.

Something like this:

The Simpsons - Homer gives Bart advice on women

https://youtu.be/ToTRAhmnxls?t=35

Never change, Lemmy.

Imagine it differs per person, as with pretty much anything about us, a spectrum.

Would say it is mostly about having a real human connection filled with love and the good feels. Instinctual, comparable to how many women feel about 'needing' to have children. Consider it a base requirement for a fulfilling life, like shelter, food, water, air.

Some people appear to have enough loving only themselves in that way (or not at all); perhaps they just have not yet found the right person. Of the many ways to express love, this is one of the most basic.