Programmer Humor

The tool that doesn't exist anywhere else is so true. I had a boss that insinuated I was inexperienced because I didn't know his specific internal process (which was complete nonsense because he is literally illiterate and cannot read or write).

When I politely corrected him that this was my second job in this specific industry he paused before continuing to ramble as if I'm some intern when I was with the company for 3 years in a midlevel role.

Same guy who once gave me a 30 mins lecture about how much he wants women like me and his daughter to succeed and "have a voice", literally without letting me insert more than 1 word the entire time.

Forced password resets.
Entropy defeats recall.
Desk blooms with secrets.

• waiting 20 minutes for your PC to boot all the corporate bloatware before it's usable
• quarterly 4-hour-long all-department meeting that could have been an email
• "incorporating" the latest tech buzzword into your process because that one manager has nothing better to do
• "celebrating" things like Company Culture Week™ and other BS stuff imagined up by people with nothing better to do

• Spending a day or more every quarter/half sorting out your roadmap, prioritising stakeholder needs, tech debt and enhancements
• Someone from senior leadership decides they want random thing they invented and blows the roadmap up
• Much wanted feature (X) or issue gets pushed back
• CEO makes a comment in a company wide meeting how they can't understand why we simply can't do X thing yet
• Everyone in Product scrambles to make X a priority
• Go to step 1

Not every person is the same.

Rules and processes and documentation and change management often times equals stability and repeatable successes. Some people thrive in this environment.

Moving fast and breaking shit with no rules or processes or documentation or change management often times leads to outages and an environment where you have to be the hero or a real IT "rockstar" to be successful. Some people thrive in this environment.

If you don't like all the rules and processes and documentation and change management, then you should know thyself and find a different job.

Having a team touch base, followed by a daily standup, followed by a quality initiative meeting, followed by a biweekly support touch base, followed by a demo for a tool your team will never use, followed by lunch and learn session over some AI tool you'll be forced to use, followed by your biweekly 1:1 with the manager, followed by the department touch base, followed by the company all hands.... Aaaaand done with meetings. Finally, some time to get some work done... then your downstream customer wants you to investigate why their counts don't match yours.... "could you run the totals again? Could you run them broken down by hour? By minute? By second? Can you get me a list of each record at these 6 timestamps? Can I get them in a different format? Oops, the problem was on our end." Great. And it's 5 o'clock. Scrum master gonna be up my ass about story points tomorrow.

fix json

fuck why is everything broken

spend whole day trying to figure out

oh yeah i see the trailing comma from when i cut and pasted

We had a great saying in a team I uses to be on: "Write good code and hope no one notices"

there comes a time where you have so little supervision that you can actually do something interesting and productive

“Let’s try to get this thing done with a ridiculous deadline, knowing full well that the work will be discarded because of overriding factor X but it looks good that the team got it done in the deadline someone set, so the someone will get their bonus”

Move slow and no things.

• it's time for quarterly security training again where you learn not to open exe files attached to emails.

All this is great if you're working remote. At least you can be far away from a cubicle or even worse - an open office while doing all this nonsense.

I'd love a job like this and I'm not even joking

Oh god, add in "random scripts throw errors that you've never seen before" and the anus-clenching Teams DONK sound that precedes yet another poorly-worded indecipherable rant from my boss.

"As I mentioned in my previous email(s)..."

Also every time a techbro tweets something a random number generator may fir- lay you off due to financial decisions.

Agile/Scrum, ISO 9001, ITIL, Six Sigma, CMMI, etc; it's all cargo cults.

• Listening to some idiot salesman talk about his company's extremely shitty SaaS product because your manager thought the email that the shit company sent him wasn't the result of leads from data brokers selling email address data.

Are you spying on me? Had to change my password this week. And we're in a release freeze.

Build a skunk works, it's like an IT department's shadow IT, shave a yak, shed a bike.

attend mandatory training