this post was submitted on 29 Aug 2025
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he/they transfem.. not too common? (pawb.social)
submitted 6 hours ago by chosensilence@pawb.social to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
15 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

i haven't posted about myself to the broader trans community or tried to find other transfems who feel like me, but the more i keep my thoughts private the more alienated and alone i feel. i'm sure other people can relate to how my identity manifests for me. i'd like to share.

my physical body does not match the mental image i have of myself nor does it align with my gender identity. when i went through male puberty my dysphoria only got worse. i have the expected body of a man and this causes me significant anguish on a daily basis. staring at my reflection and not seeing a femininizing image looking back is so debilitating.

however, i was socialized and raised the way i was, and that was "as a boy." i have an attachment to my male youth and i find comfort and affirmation revisiting those periods and seeing myself as a boy in some corner of my headspace. i developed as a boy, i made friends in "boyish" ways, i had some typically male oriented interests, and i genuinely became attached to gay romance and sex that i began seeing myself as male-but-in-a-girl-way.

if i "feel male" to some degree then why can't i just be content being a man? who am i to say that i'm trans-anything? it's something i have struggled with my whole life, but i simply detest the label of "man" being applied to me. the idea of being seen as one feels like erasure of my own identity to satisfy the morality of someone who isn't me. i don't embody masculinity, i don't relate to it. more importantly, it causes me stress and physical reactions to be placed in the category of "man;" to be seen as broad shouldered, wide, bulky; a prominent forehead and thick arms and legs; to be assigned roles based on my perceived manliness

however, i do not see myself as a woman either. it doesn't cause me significant distress to be seen as one, merely i can recognize womanhood isn't what i'm channeling. whatever space i am occupying feels rather close, though. it is 10x easier to talk to women and i've noticed several traits of mine are regularly assigned to those same women and would be described as "feminine." it's clear to me that regardless of my varied interests that any gender could take part in, i run feminine as a default setting lol.

so, as someone who has a positive connection to certain aspects of masculinity and refers to themselves with he/they pronouns i think i'm at odds with the majority of transfems, but i genuinely feel like the label best represents me. if anyone is curious i can go in-depth or answer questions, i don't mind. hopefully one of ya'll can relate as well.

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[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 hour ago* (last edited 1 hour ago) (1 children)

I dont really have anything else to add that other people haven't already. I just wanted to say that everyone is welcome in this community regardless of the pronouns they use. If transfem feels like a label that applies, even partially, then this community was made to be a safe space for you.

Also, we as a gender diverse people don't have an obligation to explain why we prefer the terms we do to other people. You dont have to justify using the pronouns you do here. Like if someone in an unrelated thread asked you why you use he/they and identify as transfem, in a gatekeeping way, we would take moderator action against them.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 12 minutes ago

thank you.. i appreciate that! i guess i wanted to encourage a conversation around he/they transfem experiences. but i'm happy to see this isn't too uncommon as i thought and the community is supportive as a whole.

[–] hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 hours ago (2 children)

I'm a she/her transfem and everything you describe feeling is something I've felt too. I don't think gender feels like anything. The only thing that feels different for me since transitioning is that no longer feel chronically depressed. What does it feel like to be a man, or a woman? It kind of doesn't.

Gender is complex, and we all have a complex relationship with it. We all have to account for our pasts. How any of us choose to label ourselves is fine and our own personal choice, but its also something that can change over time. Gender is a journey not a destination!

He/they transfems are probably a bit less common than she/her or she/they, though I've not seen the numbers for it. Regardless, as transfems we all have a lot in common. You're one of us! <3

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 8 minutes ago

What does it feel like to be a man, or a woman? It kind of doesn’t.

yeah.. i think day-to-day is much like that; you feel no real positive affirmation of your identity, you just exist.

[–] Eq0@literature.cafe 2 points 3 hours ago

I am cis woman, and I totally agree with your stance that gender doesn’t feel like anything. There are societal expectations (that I have often and repeatedly thrown in the bin), but aside of than being a woman just is. What you want to see in the mirror and how that expectation matches reality seems to me more important.

[–] knightly@pawb.social 2 points 3 hours ago (1 children)

I'm an it/they/he enby, and I feel you. Being somewhere between Femboy and Trans Tomboy is a weird space, even after two years of hormone therapy folks still reflexiely gender me male.

It's awkward to be called "sir", but until more folks start seeing people of mixed gender I'll have to be content to put up with it.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 11 minutes ago

lol my boyfriend jokingly calls me a tomboy and it makes sense yeah. strange! i do feel rather fem but in a male sense, i guess?

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 13 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 4 hours ago) (2 children)

To be honest, this sounds like a fairly typical trans woman experience.

I feel all the same ways as you:

  • dysphoric about my male body and being called a man
  • expecting a feminine face in the mirror
  • attachments to aspects of a male youth, fully adapted to being a boy
  • seeing myself as "male-but-in-a-girl way" (such a good way of putting it, btw)
  • not seeing myself as a woman

None of this seems at odds with being a trans woman, tbh, and seems fairly typical.

What label and pronouns you use is totally up to you, and what feels good. For years I basically detested all pronouns because nothing felt right ("he" was too much like being called or seen as a man, which was false and upsetting; being called "she" also felt dishonest because I couldn't see myself as a woman, being called "they" was awkward and asked too much work of people and just didn't feel affirming).

Anyway, I can totally relate - but you should know these are fairly typical experiences for a trans woman. I medically and socially transitioned and live full-time in stealth as a passing woman now, and life is much, much better. In particular, estrogen was very helpful for my mental health - I highly recommend at trying HRT, you can take estrogen for a few months without permanent changes and see if it helps (I recommend injections, I don't think oral estrogen gives the best results or experiences - it spikes your blood estrogen levels and then plummets in a matter of hours).

Even though everyone sees me as a woman now, it doesn't mean I have learned to fully see myself as a woman - that is happening slowly over time, esp. as I live life as a woman. It's not that different than being acculturated and living as a boy, tbh - the implicit gender identity responsible for dysphoria seems to be separate from the ways I have habituated thinking about myself.

I don't want to assume anything, but if you haven't already I highly recommend reading/watching these:

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

I like the pronoun hän, or hen. Hän applies to everyone, so it's not awkward, and doesn't specify gender. Hen is an addition to han for he and hon for she, but is still relatively widely understood, and does not conflict with de for they. English is just annoying like that. Maybe we should adopt hen.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 2 hours ago

"They" can be applied as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun - but it can be awkward, esp. if you know someone. Using singular "they" usually implies not knowing them closely, like "oh, the garbage worker took out the trash? Yeah, they came this morning" - it implies we don't know them well or their gender, or something.

I never liked "they" even though when I was still in denial, I hated gender and wanted to not be gendered through pronouns. Asking to be called "they" was like the ultimate way to bring attention to my gender, and I didn't want that - I wanted to not think about it, I wanted other people to stop thinking about my gender.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 5 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

None of this seems at odds with being transfem, tbh, and seems fairly typical.

ah, see.. i guess i don't know. i see the majority of transfems use feminine pronouns and refer to themselves as women. i wasn't sure if my experience was atypical or typical or what lol.

For years I basically detested all pronouns because nothing felt right

that is why i struggled until my early 30s before accepting being non-binary as an experience of gender, then it took a little bit longer to settle on transfem as a gender identity.

I highly recommend at trying HRT

i don't know about HRT. i have thought about it a lot; just to get some kind of feminizing blockers and whatnot, but i simply can't run the risk of it impacting my already severely impacted sex drive. the medications i'm on make it very difficult to maintain and reach orgasm, and the sex i have is one of the only things i enjoy about my male body. i don't have any genital dysphoria, if anything, i enjoy the parts i have and how i fit with the men i pursue. i worry HRT would reduce my ability to perform and that wouldn't be worth it for me.

Even though everyone sees me as a woman now, it doesn’t mean I have learned to fully see myself as a woman - that is happening slowly over time, esp. as I live life as a woman.

that is truly wonderful. i am glad you are achieving what you want! it's gotta be surreal lol. i don't think i'm a woman.. idk though? i really just don't see it. i did oppress myself forever so i could be blinded.. but i do enjoy the life of a gay guy in terms of romance and sex.. so idk what that means.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 4 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago) (1 children)

Have you seen a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria, is trans-affirming, and works with trans patients?

You might want to work on this with a therapist, it's important to recognize the significance of your dysphoria.

To be honest, estrogen made my libido stronger (and different), and my orgasms are much better. I repressed my genital dysphoria effectively until I socially transitioned, then once I was living as a woman and recognizing dissociation I had always experienced during sex, I started to want to avoid that and realized I had significant genital dysphoria. It's hard to see, sometimes. Some people truly experience no dysphoria, some have a hard time recognizing it, etc.

For me, I think I could settle and live with a penis, but it would undermine my sense of being a woman. Having a scrotum was more disturbing, and erections sometimes would feel silly. Also, I just couldn't center myself in sex - I was happy to please and service others, but being the center of attention with male genitals made me disconnect from the scene as a coping strategy.

Anyway, estrogen can cause penile atrophy and make erections less hard, but you can use a testosterone cream on the penis and give yourself erections on a schedule to prevent that atrophy, you can absolutely have estrogen dominance while still maintaining a fully-functioning penis (though your mileage may vary). I was actually upset with how little penile atrophy I had, and how my libido seemed to strengthen rather than diminish. Both of those I was looking forward to - having a smaller, soft penis that didn't get erect at some point was something I desired, as well as reduced horniness.

Just know, you don't have to think of yourself as a woman for you to be a woman. When you experience dysphoria about being a man, and feel like your body should be feminine like a woman's - the absence of an intact certainty that you are a woman is not an invalidation that you are a woman. This is exactly how many women feel - I think only a minority of binary trans women were certain they were women and had an intact sense of being a woman. Most of us have to figure it out the hard way, and struggle with that. I certainly do, I don't think I'm a woman, and yet I can't deny that my dysphoria points me in one direction - I can't deny that being a woman feels good and right, that having a woman's body is affirming and positive to me.

I didn't even know I wanted a vagina before I had a vaginoplasty - I couldn't connect with those desires at all. But now, having a vagina is wonderful and a huge relief. I really had little awareness of how much male genitals had bothered me before, I was fully adapted to living as a man and that meant learning to ignore a lot of my feelings. It wasn't until after the surgery that I even started to catch myself feeling shame about having a penis when I would lie down - like a habit of feeling shame when a bulge might be visible ... then I realized there is no bulge anymore and felt massive relief.

Anyway - I don't know that there is any way I could have figured out I would feel this way before, but because I had gender dysphoria and read between the lines, every step I took towards being a woman ended up being very positive for me.

Usually the non-binary folks I know have significant attachment to not being seen as a woman and preferring to have a mix of traits, like having a big beard as well as breasts and so on. Even though I've lived longer with a "non-binary" label, I now realize I'm probably not non-binary, at least not in that way. It was just a way for me to avoid transitioning when I wasn't educated and didn't understand what dysphoria looked like.

EDIT: I also didn't know if I wanted breasts before I took estrogen, I was worried I would hate them or feel regret. Not everything was like that, I knew I didn't want body hair, or thick dark hair on my legs and arms, etc. Some things were easy for me to feel and be honest about, other things were much harder to be clear on and were confusing. I think everyone has different experiences around this, nobody can tell you for sure what you will want or not want.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 6 minutes ago

so.. firstly, no, i haven't seen a gender affirming therapist. it is something i plan on doing. but secondly, i have been more open to the idea of being a transwoman as i've gotten happier recently and i still don't see it within myself. perhaps i have it stuffed down because i actively repressed it. trying HRT even temporarily is too scary to consider tbh. i don't want to.

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 4 points 4 hours ago

Pronouns are extremely important to some people and not at all to others. I'm not sure I care, but I might after I've actually taken steps to physically transition. Maybe I feel like a he now but a she after a couple of months on estrogen? Who knows.

Either way I think its great that you have fond memories of being a boy in your childhood. If you have good memories you should hold on to those no matter how you identified at the time.

But what you're describing seems very familiar to me.

[–] DarkAri@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 hours ago

Sounds to me like you are just a normal human being. I use the label nonbinary although i identify more with the female side. The reason all these terms are so confusing to you is that unlike most people you thought about what you gender actually in more then 5 minutes and are not a liar. Gender as most define it today is mostly a bunch of made up nonsense that men came up with to somehow think of themselves as being superiour to women. Since women traditionally gave birth and raised children, took care of the house, did most of the actual work, men had to come up with all these ridiculous reasons for why they were important or needed. Its mainly boils down to men need to exist to protect familes from, wait for it, other men. So yes, problem, reaction, solution. Men are themselves the solution to problems they themselves create. The zame way men today conspire withceach other to pretend like they are going to nuke the world so they can steal all the valuable property without actually working for it. How else could they claim to be the head of the household and only the ones who could rightfully keep property, and the only ones who could inherit anything, or set the rules, or keep women as captives inside of marriage without coming up with this whole mythology of gender?

You aren't crazy gender is only peoples biological sex in the strict and ancient sense of the word. You could have boobs and wear a dress and makeup and still be a man, it doesnt make you less of a man, in fact it probably makes you nore of a man, not that you have or should identify that way, just that most of what people call gender is stupid made up nonsense. Religion is also full of this nonsense. Just identify how you like, man woman, nonbinary, or fluid, dont argue or try to explain yourself to people who dont care about what you have to say anyways, and only seek to reaffirm their own hate and stupid biases. You are just a perfectly normal person and since gender is mostly made up there is no reason to play into their dumb little paradigm. Just be yourself and identify with what you feel or identify with nothing at all. Whats important is you are happy and living your life in a way that makes you happy.