War Wolves (2009) doesn’t just fail—it sabotages you for even trying to watch it.
First problem: sound.
I’ve got a surround system that can make Jurassic Park shake the walls. But here? Nothing. Dialogue is buried in the mix like it’s ashamed of itself. Turn it up? Still muffled. Subtitles? Not available. Amazon Prime usually gives you a dialogue boost, but not for this cinematic disaster. I had to pull out a laptop, mess with EQ like I was remixing a demo tape, put on headphones—and only then could I actually hear what these people were saying. And trust me: silence would have been better.
Because the dialogue is atrocious. Every character speaks in knockoff Confucius quotes. They don’t have personalities—just fortune-cookie slogans. If you came for werewolves, you’ll instead get long monologues about trauma, alcoholism, and the meaning of life. I’m not here for therapy. I’m here for fangs and fur.
Speaking of which, these werewolves clearly never read the rulebook. Werewolves are supposed to show up at night, under a full moon. War Wolves gives us broad daylight transformations, while also splicing in endless shots of a full moon. Like the movie is trolling us: “Yeah, we know the lore… and we don’t care.”
Now technically, the plot is about a squad of soldiers infected in the Middle East. Back in the States, one guy (writer/director Michael Worth, pulling triple duty) tries to resist turning while his female comrades hunt him down. Veterans John Saxon, Tim Thomerson, and Adrienne Barbeau show up, probably wondering why their agents hate them.
Visually, it’s ugly on purpose. Every frame is smeared with gross color filters, like the director just discovered Photoshop in 2002. The soundtrack? Peak dollar-bin post-grunge. Imagine if Nickelback had a headache and decided to make stock music.
And here’s the thing: I love bad movies. I love B-movies. I will watch trash on purpose. But this one? This one broke me. I finished it and thought: What am I doing with my life?
If you’re a masochist, it’s out there. But don’t say I didn’t warn you:
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h10ya0pcZoY
Prime Video: https://www.primevideo.com/region/na/detail/0R6R6C4HT31TQNYRG7YQZMU22C/ref=atv_dp_share_cu_r
@movies@piefed.social
