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The original was posted on /r/exmormon by /u/gonnabegolden_ on 2025-08-02 18:59:23+00:00.
Original Title: Calling all female exmos: with deconstruction of the MFMC often going hand-in-hand with deconstructing the harms of patriarchy, when is a time you truly felt unsafe in the presence of a Mormon man? Times where you look back and think, "WTF was that??"
I grew up with the teaching: "Mormons are better." Of course, this bled into: "Mormon men are better." They're safer. More respectful. Don't offer the same harms that men in the outside world do.
Ha.
Of the several stories I have, here's the one I'll share:
I'm 18 years old. 2,000 miles away from home and a newly-minted freshman at BYU. I'm picked up for an evening date (our third). Afterwards, the guy asks if I'd like to go for a drive, see his favorite temple. Having grown up in an area where the nearest temple was in another state, I was enamored with how beautiful UT temples looked in the dark, lit against their mountainous backdrops. (I feel differently now.)
I assumed this temple was close by. (There were already six or seven between Provo and SLC at the time I lived there.) I did not know Utah geography very well and he assured me it was a quick drive.
By the time we get to Manti (fucking MANTI), it's past midnight and I am panicking. I don't know where I am, my phone is almost dead, I'm painfully aware three dates does not make a person well-known, and this man has done nothing but talk about celestial marriage ("It's so much better than till death do you part. I can't wait to find my eternal spouse."), and how many kids he wants ("How many do you want? Five seems like a good number, wouldn't you say?"), and how he'll get married in whichever temple his wife wants to get married in ("What's your home temple again? Would you ever consider getting married in Utah?"), and how women are always attractive but seeing them in winter coats is his favorite ("They're so covered up and modest. It's the fucking cutest."), and finally ends with: "Wow, it's really late. You know, I have a buddy that lives close by. I should call him. He'll be happy to let us crash at his place."
I somehow managed to decline and he somehow managed to accept my wishes to drive back home. ("Are you sure? He really wouldn't mind.") To be fair, I fully assumed this "buddy" wasn't a real person. The prospect of this friend not answering his phone and my date then suggesting we search for a hotel room was high on my list of possibilities. He finally conceded when I told him I had a talk or lesson or something to give in church the next day (total and utter lie) and that I didn't feel prepared to give it. So we drive home, mostly in silence. I either (a) pretended to fall asleep, or (b) have blocked out that part of our trip because I was too busy saying whatever I needed to say and being as agreeable as possible to best ensure I'd make it home safely.
Things could have ended so much worse. In so many similar situations, they do end up worse.
He was a returned missionary. He knew my older brother. I'd already gone on two dates with him (after the disastrous third one, I picked apart all the tiny red flags I'd missed on the first two).
I think there are a lot of good guys both in and out of religion. But I don't think the good guys realize how easily the "bad" guys hide in plain sight. How many there are in the MFMC. How much women are affected by seemingly benign things. How easy it is to assume: "That? That was harmless. He didn't mean it. He had good intentions, he was just a little clueless. Give him some grace."
I also realize that while this post has the potential to be a safe place for those who choose to share their stories, it may very well hold a triggering well of comments for many others. Please proceed with caution as you read.