The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Most people will tell you Disney magic is something you only see in movies or after an unlicensed mushroom retreat. But to those cynics, I say, Disney magic is real! And I found it inside an Outback Steakhouse dumpster.

Several weeks ago, I had returned to my regular routine of dumpster diving after forming a fragile ceasefire with the local raccoons. I had come upon a garbage bag full of gently used bloomin’ onions when I came face to face with a common roof rat (rooficus ratticus).

I screamed at the rodent, threatening to “assfuck it in the mouth” if it didn’t turn tail and buzz off. But the rat, having no respect for mine and the raccoon’s truce, lunged at me, first working the face, before diving headlong into my already tattered pants. [...]