I’m admittedly new to running a community anywhere online, but saw a need so I’m trying to fill it and help where I can. I’ve had plenty of my own issues over the years and am hoping for a safe space where men can discuss their own brands of issues. For now we’re gonna run by the Bartender Rule & few other rules stolen shamelessly from !mentalhealth@lemmy.world :
Together, we make this community great. Thank you for being here. Please actively participate in the discussions. Please show respect and empathy when replying to posts.
The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:
Rules
1-Posts promoting paid products and services of any kind are not allowed here.
2-All our content must be helpful and appropriate. Do not put vulnerable people at risk and mind the way you approach when need be.
3-Do not DM any of our members unless they specifically request it. Likewise, if a person from here disturbs you, you are encouraged to report them to us(with evidence) and block them. They will be banned instantly.
4-Posts about suicide and/or dying are not allowed here. Your content may trigger others & put them at risk, and we do NOT want that to happen.
Hey, I hope you find some closure. It sounds like you held her in very high regard. I would try to think of her in less positive (or even negative) ways.
There's more to life than what's in front of us. If I were you I would put your pistols in a safe deposit box or something. Good luck, today might be better.
Been there. It can take a long time. It took me years to get over an ex, even when I was mostly over her after the first year. It wasn't until I randomly bumped into her in public after a very long time, and the gut punch that came with it, that I was able to evaluate her lack of importance to me. She's still valuable for having shaped some very productive parts of me through education about topics in which I was deficient. She made me want to continue to grow after she was out of my life, and I'm grateful. But I no longer care whether I see her with another guy because she literally doesn't matter to me now.
My father repeatedly stressed an important truism to me throughout adulthood. It's a roller coaster. It goes up and down. When you're at your peak, it seems like it could never be down again. When you eventually roll to the bottom, it feels like you'll never be on top again. It's important to keep in mind that it's nearly impossible to imagine a better life when you're so desperately sad. That doesn't mean it can't or won't happen.
I'd encourage talk therapy. It's not for everyone, but it's helped me. Maybe even see a psychiatrist about the possibility of an antidepressant to help you through the rough time you're in. There's no shame in it. I've been off and on medication when my life got harder and it helped a great deal (it's highly unlikely that the first presciption will be the right one; just trying to avoid setting unrealistic expectations: it's a crapshoot until you and your doc find the thing that's right for you.
But either way, try to hold on to the knowledge that it will get better. The only unknown is when. Until then, do your best to find meaning. One thing I learned from the aforementioned ex was to be grateful for something in my life when I'm frustrated or down. I turned that into a rule: I think of three things for which I am grateful every day. It's done wonders to improve my outlook, even if it isn't a magic spell to remove the struggles of life that we all endure.
I wish you the best.
I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say to make things better for you. They say time makes things better, eventually, so give it time.
You certainly have people who care about you. If not friends and family, then at least us strangers on the internet. If you ever feel like talking, feel free to DM me.
I appreciate everyone in this thread immensely, but as I said to someone else, I don't want to burden people with DMs and I also have such little energy that talking can quickly become exhausting, so I don't want anyone to think I'm ghosting them or ungrateful.
FWIW, I know how that goes. So feel free to message and ghost as required.
Unfortunately, this is normal. Allow yourself to ride the waves. It will take you quite a while to heal.
I always like to say:
Grief is the fence pole and you are the tree. The pole will never just go away but over time you will grow around it and continue upward, regardless.
Give yourself grace to feel like shit.
I REALLY like that fence analogy.
Im gonna get a little personal here bcz it seems like you need it. First off, i dont know what happened, but im really sorry youre going through this. Nothing can replace the gaping hole that your partner left. And I empathize with you in the loss of a very dearly loved one.
My father hung himself from a bridge when I was 5 years old. He had 4 kids with his wife of 17 years..its just a fact of my life I have to live with. Im on my 30s now.
I never emotionally recovered from that event in my life. It devestated my family, and ended up scarring his children, and forcing my mother into a series of abusive relationships and deadend jobs just to make ends meet. I had a rough childhood.
But I can tell you, it got better, and my life is not all consumed by his death anymore.
I know the world seems dark right now to you, and nothing matters. But if you do something permanent, you are doing something permanent in response to temporary feelings.
I can promise uou that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you have friends you can talk to, do it! Even better, see a therapist, and let them help you through the grieving process..
I have been where you've been. I have wanted a way out, for the pain just to end. But I can tell you from experience, if you go through with it, people will miss you dearly, and always wonder what if anything they could have done differently to keep you around.
Now, im not saying all this to tell you my sob story. I am just trying to put my comment into context of why I am posting this morning.
You really should talk to someone about whats going on with you. I went to therapy for years to get over my trauma, amd the funny part is, before that, I had no idea I was so fucked up. But, after a lot of therapy, I came out the other side a little bit better.
And im still here to tell my story, and encourage other people to do the same...a little piece of advice my therapist told me, "Feelings are not facts". It has always stuck with me, no matter what I am doing, I try to remind myself that my feelings are not factual. They are certainly real, and they affect how I approach life. But they are not concrete facts, and they do not have to control me.
Please take care of yourself, and talk to someone you can trust about what youre going through!
One difficult thing is that I feel so ashamed of myself and pathetic that I don't even want to talk to the people I care about and trust because I feel like such a failure for losing her. I had a bad experience with therapy as a kid, and while that does make me jaded to the concept, I also just can't afford to see one. The situation has forced me to buy a home, because ironically I could get approved for a house but not an apartment or trailer, and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to keep up with bills, I got a roommate but my mortgage is like triple what I had to pay living with her and while I never couldn't pay my bills, I didn't have much excess. I'm trying to work more and applied for some higher positions in my company, but they're dragging their feet about it.
Are there any support groups in your area? I go to a free support group for survivors once a week. I am sure you can find something. There are low cost therapists, and sometimes insurance can cover it. I totally get having a bad experience with a therapist. Ive had a few bad experiences myself, but I've also found therapists that were an excellent fit for me.
But, if therapy isnt an option, talk to someone, anyone. You cannot work through this by yourself. It took me years to get over my ex-wife. And i was in the same head space you are in now, but I didnt have access to guns. If I were you, I would get rid of any guns you own, for your own safety.
And please, for the love of God, be kind to yourself. You are not a failure, and you will get through this! I believe with everything in my heart that you will make it through this and come out with a better understanding of yourself.
Relationships dont have to ruin who you are. Do not let this woman steal who you are! You had a life before her, and you can have a life after her, just as fulfilling. I promise you, from someone who has been in your shoes, it will slowly with time get better, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Please dont beat yourself up about what happened. It takes two people to end a relationship. If you need to DM someone and talk this out,, my DMs are open my dude!
I don't want to burden strangers with DMs, because I have such poor energy right now that even responding to these comments feels exhausting and mentally taxing and it's all supportive and kind words, I just don't want to have someone put effort into helping me and then think I ghosted them and wasn't grateful; this post was my attempt to kind of talk to people about my issues in a sorry l sort of way. I've lost most of my friends over time and as mentioned, I feel so low I don't want to reach out to people I know IRL. I struggle more now than ever to go be publicly social.
I don't feel burdened at all. Im just trying to be an ear because you need one right now. If you dont feel like talking thats okay. I'll be here if and when you feel ready.
First of all, that sucks and I’m sorry. It’s the worst. I think almost everyone has been there.
And almost everyone will tell you it absolutely 100% for true gets better. No shit, it gets better in almost every way.
Situational depression is a thing. Talk to someone about temporarily using a serotonin inhibitor to stay out of the lowest lows for awhile. There’s no need to rawdog it just because (like the rest of us) you’re a stupid guy who’s been taught to hide your emotions and act stoic in the face of heartbreaking shit.
And make some plans. Do out-of-the-house things. Anything.
It takes about a year to get some distance, at least that’s my experience. But there’s no need for any of it. You’re going to be better, happier, and wiser. It just takes time and being nice to yourself in the meantime.
Thanks, I am on Wellbutrin and take Busparin 3x daily. You're absolutely right that I've been trained all my life to not show emotion, and it really fucking sucks sometimes to feel the need to cry and not be able to make it happen. Not that it's impossible, I actually cried with my exes mother yesterday, but it's just really really difficult to do unless my emotions hit serious extremes.
The way I coped is through apathy, but then i realized that that was super depressing and it was very bad.
I then got enchanted by the idea of melancholy, I would just think about it to feel very sad because feeling sad was better than nothing at all.
It's a weird thing to say but it helps, you can't be truly sad unless you were happy before--there is beauty in that.
You don't need to do anything to distract yourself or plan to try and be busy enough that you don't have the time to think about it. Healing isn't when you find yourself forgetting.
I appreciate how unique your take is. I appreciate everyone's advice here, but yours comes off as a very different way of looking at things.
Forgive me if I misread. But this was a breakup from a long time relationship?
It was, I phrased it in a way that now I realize sounds like she died, but actually she left me for a guy who is the complete opposite of me in every possible way from visually to mentally.
I can see what that is hammering you so hard. Death suck for sure, but someone living, who is making new experiences without you, that's a special kind of torture.
You might want someone to hold onto your firearms for you for a bit, but you will heal eventually and move on. Our brains are amazing that way. Be well brother.
Write it out by hand. What happened, arguments, resolutions, good times, weathered hard times. What you think you got right and wrong, where you excelled and failed. What you put too much effort and not enough effort into, what you dwelled on and let go, what you appreciated and didn't. Write about whatever you're feeling, guilt, anger, pain, sorrow, and why. Cry. Yell. Punch a pillow. Then go for a walk. Walk several times a week, at least a mile, no headset. Pay attention to what you see, hear, taste and smell in the air, how the air feels on your skin. Do a chore really well. Write some more. Repeat.
I'm just not mentally strong enough to face writing down 10 years of ups and downs at this moment in time, and I've never really been into writing much, I never properly trained my brain for it. I walk a TON at my job and I go to the gym, but nothing is actually capable of keeping my mind from dragging me back to her every five minutes.
Maybe you can take time to deeply reflect on these things? Best of luck, however you decide to address it.
Grieving is a skill, not just something that happens. There are people who can teach you how. Look for a therapist that specifically is trained in grieving.
After my father died suddenly, I felt like you did. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes memories of him flooded in. A breakup can be a lot like a death. Worse in some ways. You have to accept you can't see that person again, but unlike a death you know they are still out there. Mentally the processing of the feelings is the same though. Having a professional to talk to helps a LOT.
It's going to be a while before I can afford that, I'm on state sponsored health care for now, but I'm assuming Trump is going to end that for me soon.
There are sliding scale healthcare places. Even if you make $40k, you can still find options for around $60 a session. And if that's still too much, selling a gun for a couple of sessions might help in multiple ways.
Without fail, every single person on Lemmy makes so much more money than me that when they suggest a low figure it's still far more than I make. I've never made close to 40k in a year, even when working full time.
Thats my point. Making less money is good with sliding scale therapy. Some places even do it for free if you're broke enough.
Hang in there! Even though darkness is all around and it’s hard to see the light, it is there. Don’t give up.
I also went through a very traumatic experience and the thought of having to endure the pain for the rest of my life filled me with absolute dread.
However, even if it sounds corny and over-used: there comes a day when you won’t feel worse than the day before. And after that, there will be a day where you will feel better. And so you will persevere and come out on the other side.
There are a few things that actually make this better, if you want it to get better. I don't know what your life situation is like, but under no circumstances should you go home after work and be alone. Go to a park and walk. Get a bike and ride. Join a boxing gym. Anything to be moving. Stay off your phone. They are basically unhappiness machines designed to make us want something other than what we have. Reach out to friends and family (I know I just said put your phone down, but communication is the one redeeming quality) And maybe most importantly, start some sort of therapy/meditation practice. I recommend IFS therapy. If you can't afford a therapist, there is a book called Self Therapy by Jay Earley that gets you 90% of the way there.
The realization that you will need to come to, which I can tell you now, but won't really mean anything until you are ready to hear it, is that you can't be "good" to be in another person's life until you can be "good" by yourself. You have to learn to be ok company for you, and be ok in a room with just your own thoughts, before it is really fair to ask another human being to be in there with you. Right now you are learning that you aren't ok without this person, or without some person. I'm learning the same thing now also, if it helps. Learning that is huge. Congratulations and condolences all at the same time. You have some work to do. You can do it, or you can not, but life doesn't get better until you start doing it.
I don't know what it is worth, but there is a random guy on the Internet who wants you to succeed and learn to be content with yourself. Once that happens, the connections you make with others will be genuine and much stronger.
DM me if you need anything at all, and I believe in you. The dark thoughts are not the truth. Your strength and kindness is the truth. Believe in that.
Did you have any hobbies/interests before you met her that you let lapse? Rekindle them. That will bring you back to times before you were with her and maybe redirect you towards something that helps you move on.
That, and time.
Every time I try I can't focus on any of it, I just sit there staring blankly and usually end up just going to bed or rotting my brain with more YouTube to try and distract me (it doesn't really work).
The hole will be there for a while. And that’s okay. Don’t think those emotions should be forced away, or aren’t valid. Give them time. But try to step outside your own head for a little bit each day. Stop and force yourself to really notice something, whether it’s as big as a beautiful sunset, or as small as a butterfly. Going places like the woods, or parks, where you have a higher chance of encountering this stuff, helps.
It’s all too easy to fall into yourself in situations like this, and when that happens you run the risk of getting stuck like that. When your world becomes that small, it’s hard to see things in perspective.
If it helps, I’ve found paper books more distracting than YouTube. Physical thing where I have to hold it, feel the weight, turn the pages, and read the words seems to help a lot more than even an e-book.
I hate admitting this, but I absolutely struggle to read books, the last book I read was well over a decade ago. I read a lot of text, but in short form. My attention span is absolutely fucked and that's regardless of current depression. I was diagnosed and prescribed for ADHD but the meds made my depression so much worse amount l among other things, the AD and anti anxiety meds have been more helpful to me at least I can say.
Build something in her honour. Put your heart into it. Time will eventually cause the worst part of your pain to recede. It'll never quite go away but it gets better. Good luck!
You might have misinterpreted my poor phrasing, she didn't die, she just cheated and left me for the polar opposite of me.