Men’s Mental Health

First of all, that sucks and I’m sorry. It’s the worst. I think almost everyone has been there.

And almost everyone will tell you it absolutely 100% for true gets better. No shit, it gets better in almost every way.

Situational depression is a thing. Talk to someone about temporarily using a serotonin inhibitor to stay out of the lowest lows for awhile. There’s no need to rawdog it just because (like the rest of us) you’re a stupid guy who’s been taught to hide your emotions and act stoic in the face of heartbreaking shit.

And make some plans. Do out-of-the-house things. Anything.

It takes about a year to get some distance, at least that’s my experience. But there’s no need for any of it. You’re going to be better, happier, and wiser. It just takes time and being nice to yourself in the meantime.

The way I coped is through apathy, but then i realized that that was super depressing and it was very bad.

I then got enchanted by the idea of melancholy, I would just think about it to feel very sad because feeling sad was better than nothing at all.

It's a weird thing to say but it helps, you can't be truly sad unless you were happy before--there is beauty in that.

You don't need to do anything to distract yourself or plan to try and be busy enough that you don't have the time to think about it. Healing isn't when you find yourself forgetting.

Im gonna get a little personal here bcz it seems like you need it. First off, i dont know what happened, but im really sorry youre going through this. Nothing can replace the gaping hole that your partner left. And I empathize with you in the loss of a very dearly loved one.

My father hung himself from a bridge when I was 5 years old. He had 4 kids with his wife of 17 years..its just a fact of my life I have to live with. Im on my 30s now.

I never emotionally recovered from that event in my life. It devestated my family, and ended up scarring his children, and forcing my mother into a series of abusive relationships and deadend jobs just to make ends meet. I had a rough childhood.

But I can tell you, it got better, and my life is not all consumed by his death anymore.

I know the world seems dark right now to you, and nothing matters. But if you do something permanent, you are doing something permanent in response to temporary feelings.

I can promise uou that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you have friends you can talk to, do it! Even better, see a therapist, and let them help you through the grieving process..

I have been where you've been. I have wanted a way out, for the pain just to end. But I can tell you from experience, if you go through with it, people will miss you dearly, and always wonder what if anything they could have done differently to keep you around.

Now, im not saying all this to tell you my sob story. I am just trying to put my comment into context of why I am posting this morning.

You really should talk to someone about whats going on with you. I went to therapy for years to get over my trauma, amd the funny part is, before that, I had no idea I was so fucked up. But, after a lot of therapy, I came out the other side a little bit better.

And im still here to tell my story, and encourage other people to do the same...a little piece of advice my therapist told me, "Feelings are not facts". It has always stuck with me, no matter what I am doing, I try to remind myself that my feelings are not factual. They are certainly real, and they affect how I approach life. But they are not concrete facts, and they do not have to control me.

Please take care of yourself, and talk to someone you can trust about what youre going through!

Forgive me if I misread. But this was a breakup from a long time relationship?

Grieving is a skill, not just something that happens. There are people who can teach you how. Look for a therapist that specifically is trained in grieving.

After my father died suddenly, I felt like you did. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes memories of him flooded in. A breakup can be a lot like a death. Worse in some ways. You have to accept you can't see that person again, but unlike a death you know they are still out there. Mentally the processing of the feelings is the same though. Having a professional to talk to helps a LOT.

Write it out by hand. What happened, arguments, resolutions, good times, weathered hard times. What you think you got right and wrong, where you excelled and failed. What you put too much effort and not enough effort into, what you dwelled on and let go, what you appreciated and didn't. Write about whatever you're feeling, guilt, anger, pain, sorrow, and why. Cry. Yell. Punch a pillow. Then go for a walk. Walk several times a week, at least a mile, no headset. Pay attention to what you see, hear, taste and smell in the air, how the air feels on your skin. Do a chore really well. Write some more. Repeat.

Hang in there! Even though darkness is all around and it’s hard to see the light, it is there. Don’t give up.

I also went through a very traumatic experience and the thought of having to endure the pain for the rest of my life filled me with absolute dread.

However, even if it sounds corny and over-used: there comes a day when you won’t feel worse than the day before. And after that, there will be a day where you will feel better. And so you will persevere and come out on the other side.

Did you have any hobbies/interests before you met her that you let lapse? Rekindle them. That will bring you back to times before you were with her and maybe redirect you towards something that helps you move on.

That, and time.

There are a few things that actually make this better, if you want it to get better. I don't know what your life situation is like, but under no circumstances should you go home after work and be alone. Go to a park and walk. Get a bike and ride. Join a boxing gym. Anything to be moving. Stay off your phone. They are basically unhappiness machines designed to make us want something other than what we have. Reach out to friends and family (I know I just said put your phone down, but communication is the one redeeming quality) And maybe most importantly, start some sort of therapy/meditation practice. I recommend IFS therapy. If you can't afford a therapist, there is a book called Self Therapy by Jay Earley that gets you 90% of the way there.

The realization that you will need to come to, which I can tell you now, but won't really mean anything until you are ready to hear it, is that you can't be "good" to be in another person's life until you can be "good" by yourself. You have to learn to be ok company for you, and be ok in a room with just your own thoughts, before it is really fair to ask another human being to be in there with you. Right now you are learning that you aren't ok without this person, or without some person. I'm learning the same thing now also, if it helps. Learning that is huge. Congratulations and condolences all at the same time. You have some work to do. You can do it, or you can not, but life doesn't get better until you start doing it.

I don't know what it is worth, but there is a random guy on the Internet who wants you to succeed and learn to be content with yourself. Once that happens, the connections you make with others will be genuine and much stronger.

DM me if you need anything at all, and I believe in you. The dark thoughts are not the truth. Your strength and kindness is the truth. Believe in that.

Build something in her honour. Put your heart into it. Time will eventually cause the worst part of your pain to recede. It'll never quite go away but it gets better. Good luck!