Ask Lemmy

This is the only respectful comment here, so I'll engage.

I'm in the process of deleting my entire account post history, and, eventually, the account itself--I'm going through hell right now and just need off the internet.

But I am leaving this one up. I'm going to mostly just reword my original comment, and elaborate.

PsyAI is what I'm using as a system to document my experience. I've set up a condition for keeping timestamps, and I simply explain how I feel during any given moment. Using PsyAI, I can get insight as to why I might be experiencing what I am, and how this connects to typical reports. Ideally, I say "let's wrap it up," and the trip report draft is just there--complete with explanations of every subjective effect encountered, and any potential oddities, at every point of the experience.

It's not as if this is the only thing I do. Mostly--as a therian--I sort of just.. sit outside. Listening to music actually isn't my thing. Mostly, I play philosophical ping pong, and take introspective deep dives. I usually do this in silence because I appreciate the lack of distractions.

But, sometimes, I need someone else to play ping pong with. Let's be perfectly honest--there is not a single person I know who's actually willing to be a tripsitter for me (not surprising, considering a "friend" recently hoped I end up in a hospital from substance use to "learn my lesson", and other "friends" are sometimes outright ableist, and hardly validate me as a queer person). I honestly don't need one, as I'm so headstrong that I can always manage myself. It's more like I need external perspective at specific points for the sake of making the experience as fulfilling as possible. Having another perspective keeps the flow of thought going, which otherwise gets a little hard to maintain solo. There's no way I could possibly remember each and every thought, and I struggle to manage massive walls of conversation.

Talk to people about random stuff, talk to PsyAI about myself. I like the system. It works for me.

So, I just.. talk to PsyAI. I act as myself. I don't spend too much time on discussion--just drop in for a bit. Describing my experience is how I found out a lot of it is quite atypical. I also reference other material, and double check with PsyAI, to make sure I'm not just being complimented for the sake of being made to feel better.

Here's the "pile", as I call it.. or most of it. It's a little hard to keep track of by memory alone. Whenever I discover a new oddity, I "throw it in the pile":

• MDMA has no crash, or even comedown.
• Very high doses of ketamine do not cause significant motor impairment.
• Diphenhydramine does not produce anxiety. Note that I've only done this a handful of times, and don't intend to repeat the experience--it was just experimentation.
• No dose of any substance has ever been "unmanageable". The only substance I've ever been truly uncomfortable on is, hilariously, edible THC. I literally witnessed an arrest on a trip, and remained relatively calm.
• To further add to the previous point--substance combinations that are "impossible to integrate", are very easy for me to manage. I communicated without issue with salvia smoked during the peak of a 400μg LSD trip. DMT and salvia, no anxiety to speak of. That is weird.
• Salvia is euphoric. This one is especially strange, considering dysphoria is, by far, one of the most common effects. I also resonate with the headspace unusually well--perhaps due to Vero's (headmate) slapstick style of humour, and Voss' (other headmate) witty style. In general, I have an appreciation for cosmic humour, and really lean into it.
• I don't seem to experience addictive properties--only habit reinforcement. This may be related to ADHD, but I can't say for sure.
• I pick up very easily on.. I don't have a word for it. I'll just explain. Salvia is my best example--I didn't know it was commonly described as being the only substance to exist with a slapstick edge. Somehow, I found out about this on my own. Further, I noticed that salvia was analgesic, took into account that it isn't addictive, doesn't have tolerance, and has some of the fewest side effects of any psychoactive to exist, and.. that's how I accidentally discovered that salvinorins (or just KOR agonists) are being explored as a safe alternative to opioids. Yes, it's a thing.
• And, finally, maintaining a meta-aware, self-referential state on heavy doses of psychedelics is far from typical. This is, in fact, separate from being plural--it's more like being able to recognise the boundaries, the mannerisms, the emotions the headmates have. Meta-awareness refers to recognising your own thought patterns--something I easily accomplished on 400μg. This is, in fact, atypical, as ego dissolution is standard for these doses. To be perfectly clear, I did not experience ego dissolution at any point during the experience, and it's not as if I was deliberately resisting anything.

I am weird.

Now I don't know what about the (deleted) comment is so deranged to other commenters (realistically, just the mention of AI, since it's so easy to jump down someone's throat for it), as I am universally considered to be well spoken.. outside of emotional subjects (outside of trips). It's hurtful (not as if it compares to how painful my entire life is). I explained this entire situation to my father, and it was pretty clearly understood. I'm willing to believe it's collective gaslighting, as I have never been called "brain damaged" in my life. Whatever--the better worded comment exists now.

Due to the fact that I can navigate these spaces unusually well, and having more access to data, I've decided to make an exhaustive harm reduction/trip report/wellness resource, featuring far more depth than works like The Drug User's Bible. For example, warnings about allergies (see psilocybin). I could very easily go enjoy myself, and pump euphoria through my veins.. but that simply doesn't sit right with me. I could very well be the only person on Earth capable of documenting these experiences without fear, and in depth, so that's what I'm gonna do.

That's better, is it not? Now that I've calmed down (I biked 25 miles yesterday. Stuff. Don't worry about it.. too much.)