I'm AFAB non-binary (biologically female and raised as a girl, but I don't identify as either male or female in my head), but I'm not a parent so please take this with a big grain of salt.

I knew from Miniest's age, and even before, that I wasn't like the other kids. I was too much of a "girl" for the boys to include me, and too much of a "boy" for the girls to include me. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, because I wanted to wear dresses but also wanted to play footy and play with "boy" toys (I so badly wanted hot wheels. I got a Barbie doll 🤦‍♀️). I had no words to describe myself, I would cry because I felt like I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. Didn't help that mum refused to dress me in feminine clothes because of her own trauma (fear of men staring at me 🙄) but her family would ask me why I dress like a boy. It was very confusing and traumatising on top of everything else I was dealing with.

It took me a long time, not until I was 28 to realise I was NB, and to also allow myself to dress both femininely and masculinely without feeling awful and gross. And that was because I was reading posts from other NBs and I felt so seen and understood. I don't do anything different now, I still look and sound like a woman. I dress femininely and masculinely equally, I'm confident telling people my pronouns are they/them but also accept that I will be referred to as she/her because I'm not overly androgynous. The difference is, is that I don't think I'm inherently "wrong" for being this way, and I accept myself with kindness. It doesn't change who I am, but I am much more confident and happy with myself.

Miniest also is about to hit puberty, and it's just going to involve a lot of labels and discovery on her part. They might not feel "female" now, but that can change, and might change a lot or not at all. They might try on different labels and styles, as it's a journey of discovering oneself and accepting oneself fully and wholly.

The best thing you can do is just, try to accept it? Accept that right now, Miniest doesn't feel particularly "female" in their head, accept that that might change as they grow and discover who they are. Personally, I'd avoid asking too many questions, especially as it can (but not always!) feel like an interrogation, but just reinforce that you love and and accept Miniest no matter what. That their journey and who they are, who they will become, will not ever change how much you love Miniest. That's the most important part - that Miniest knows that no matter what, you will always have their back and be in their corner.

I can't speak for the parent side of it, I'm sorry. But I do know that Miniest will always need you on their side.

CEO and Seagoon have such wise advice. I don't have kids but it's something I have thought about myself as an adult. I have never fit in with girls and my experience of my female biology has been pretty negative (endo, infertile etc). For a while I wondered if I were not a woman but it's really hard to unpack (for me) whether you fundamentally are not your assigned gender or if you don't really like the idea of your assigned gender.

I eventually came to some peace through some study I did related to yoga. The idea of feminine I was learning about was the fierce, fighting, transforming one. I understood that the gender stuff we have thrown at us is so empty and silly. I don't wear dresses and I don't like some aspects of my body. I'm just me. A she mostly.

I would hate to be a kid going through this and just wanting to belong. And it's bloody hard to be the parent holding space but also trying to protect and guide.

No answers just throwing some thoughts out in case it helps.

For quite a few years I wanted to be a boy, I guess partly because I was told by many adults that I was not girly enough, and I have few “girly” interests. My personality does not fit the stereotypical girl one either. It’s only after accepting I do not have to care about stereotypes that I am happy to be female. Definitely agree with Seagoon to ask her what she thinks it means to be a girl or a boy, whether she just wants to do what boys do, or whether she (he?) identifies as one.

Went through something like this myself.

One of the positives of this was that I learned early to store my identity inside me, rather than in the clothes I wore or the things I owned. Not being a girly-girl didn't make me a boy or a lesbian or anything really, but it did take a bit longer to find my niche, as back then there was a hellava lot more gender stereotyping pushed onto girls. Not so much of that nowadays for which we can all be thankful.

Miniest may have a harder road to travel, and may never find instant unthinking broad community approval cos there's still a fair bit of stereotyping out there. But I'm also sure that Miniest will find a way to be herself, and to do that in style!

Hugs to both of you.

I always told the young people my daughter hangs with not to worry about labels. Enjoy being young. Get experiences in life. Those things will slot into space when the time is right. The important thing is being you.

Hugs to you 🫂

Its a tough spot for both of you to be in. I tend to agree with CEO and Seagoon about not worrying about the label too much. Minipeeler is still the creative, strong individual you know and love, and they will continue to grow and develop in a world that supports them as an individual regardless of the box they tick around gender.

I think this post is evidence of top-notch parenting. You've figure out you're in a tricky moment, and have started putting in the work to navigate it, and you'll be prepared whatever eventuality.

Did the pronouns revelation seem like a big deal to Miniest? There's a good chance it felt like a bit of a "coming out" -- and safety in your (conscious and subconscious) reaction will be closely being searched for. As long as Miniest knows nothing else changes, there's still beds to be made and dinner to help prepare, you'll be good.

Ask her what she thinks are the attributes of a girl and the attributes of a boy

I'm 100% sure that I would be labelled something by people who have an agenda just because I played sports, liked animals and not dolls, had and still have an interest in technology, studied the sciences, joined the military and have an interest in geopolitics

I was never labeled by others in this and I never doubted who I was ( I had and still have other problems with labels but nothing to do with gender)

So much good advice in the comments already given. There’s a difference between feeling like you’re in the wrong body, or just feeling like you don’t align with the current version of gender norms. Eg traditionally the wife would cook all the meals at home, but professional cooks were men. So does cooking make you feminine or masculine? Obviously neither, it’s just a task that has had historical divisions applied to it based on status. The point being; hobbies, interests, clothing preferences (men used to wear frills and lace, dresses, bright colours at various times in history), career interests, liking sports etc etc do not make someone male or female. Miniest is gonna have a lot of things to figure out, and as they grow older it might be they figure out they just don’t like the 2025 version of ‘girly’, or it might be something deeper.

You’re doing an awesome job already thinking through possibilities and having conversations, and being ready with assurances of love. You got this, whatever path it goes down.

You’ve found a hack!

How much does it cost to add cheese to a burger at maccas?

this sounds good and will go on the watch list 😊

so much to watch, so little time

Sleeping cats are a thing of beauty 😍

Haha.