Ask Men

I remember being 20 over 20 years ago, and my dating life was a hot mess. Almost everyone I knew had a dating life that was a hot mess. You're really, really young and have a ton of life ahead of you. Don't get discouraged before you even start.

I can't answer why its happening, but as a man, this is almost the exact experience a lot of us men have on dating apps if we even get matches. Lots of little dates and chats but it rarely ever goes anywhere so i can offer sympathy on why that feels frustrating. Tbh i think meeting people in real life is better as you can gauge the chemistry between two people better irl than over texting. The hard part is that for many young people there are not a lot of places outside of school or work to meet people anymore. Many of our aocial spaces have shifted to online spaces and human relationships aren't fully prepared to catch up to our ever increaaing digital world.

If you feel overhwlemed and burnt out by your experiences online and going on so many dates i would recomend just taking a break from the online dating scene. You're still very young and the world is full of oppourtunity to meet someone who loves you.

You are a real woman, at least if you're not an AI. Dating apps are really a battlefield. I remember comparing doing a match to an Isaac run; you start, have some ways, and maybe if all goes well, you win (whatever you find as a win). And in the end you need to do a lot of runs.

I don't understand what they want

Most people don't understand what other people want. To start, don't try to figure out what they want. Focus on what you want. Do they meet your wants/needs in a potential partner. If they do ask them what they're looking for in a potential partner.

As is commonly discussed, communication is the most important part of a functioning relationship. If you don't know what you want, how can you communicate it to your partner.

If you don't ask and they don't tell you what they want, there is no tried and true way to find out.

Dating is about finding someone compatible, if we could tell you what all men and all women want wouldn't every man and every woman automatically be compatible?

Find your person by meaningfully talking to people, not asking the internet to give you catch-all tips and tricks.

Lemmy ate my post, going to try again;

Some men like to take charge in their relationship, other men like their women to take charge. (It's a spectrum of course.)

Your choice of words to describe yourself as "not real" suggests that you might need to work on your self confidence, and you might not be projecting a take charge attitude.

The overlap of men that like to take charge, and are also going on dates with trans women might be small.

The men that you're meeting might be more likely to be interested in a woman that takes charge.

So next time you're on a date, remember that this person has already accepted who you are. They're not doing you a favor and settling for a "not real" woman, they are interested in you.

At the same time, it's also totally ok if you are looking for a man that takes charge, just keep in mind it is going to take some looking and don't give up. ❤️

Dating is quite difficult. I can't say from a trans perspective but from my perspective, there are many confusions and missteps. I have had so many women emphatically say they want another date and then flake. I think usually they're dating multiple people and chose someone else. Ghosting is also a term for a reason, it's fairly common. Keep at it, you're bound to find someone worth the effort eventually.

A lot of men don’t know what they want… they might just have their interest piqued by your, relatively, novel circumstances.

Sometimes there’ll be no spark - I guess that’s the nature of dating. For others there may be a spark but fear, social pressure etcetera will put them off.

Good luck.

The sad reality is, that's just what it's like dating cis men as a trans woman, at least when you're meeting them through apps or the like. The guys who hook up with trans women in those contexts are either chasers, or guys that are just curious. Neither of them is interested in anything long term though.

The guys who don't care whether you're trans or cis, who don't make it at the core of why they are interested in dating you, won't find you on dating apps.

Dating apps are awful for everyone, but as bad as they are, they are far far worse for trans folk.

Looking over all the comments you've made, I think what you're running into is an issue with the limitations of dating apps. There's only so much you can have on them up front, so a lot of the real work has to come later. So all you're really able to screen for is the absolute basics.

This means that you'll get matches that aren't good matches, but neither of you know it ahead of time.

So you end up with matches that aren't interested in you as a person, just their idea of what you might be. Since ideas and reality rarely come together, you end up with mostly false matches. It's not even because you're trans, though that does change and limit how many initial interests you'll get. Cis women have the same trouble. Hell, men have the same trouble tbh, it's just that dating apps skew the kind of interactions you can have so that men very rarely are in the position you're in. Being trans just amplifies the flaws inherent to the system

I'm sorry, I'm not a man, but I do know the answer to your question. Disclosing your trans status in a dating profile is guaranteed to attract chasers. Once they realized you wanted a relationship and not just sex, they probably lost interest. I can almost guarantee it's not your fault, there's just a lot of gross men. You are a woman, it's not a lie. Disclose your trans status before meeting, but try to get to know them better first and get a sense of how they might react. You won't always get it right, and some men may respond badly, and you'll have to block them immediately. This is how I eventually found my husband.

Another option is to use a queer dating app and specifically look for t4t relationships. There are a lot of cute trans guys out there.

I dont need to go further than the 6th word to know the answer. You know it. We know it. Sorry. Just face reality.

My best guess is that they were open to the idea but ended up realizing it's not for them - and then feeling too uncomfortable to communicate it properly?

Since you're tired of dating apps here's an alternate suggestion: Go over the hobbies you have, and find which ones have IRL communities - and then join them. Hell, if you find communities for hobbies you don't have but seem interesting to you, try em out.

An important mindset to have is: DO NOT go in with the expectation to find a partner. Go in with the goal of just socializing and having fun, but don't force it, its "doing fun stuff with like-minded people", not "scouting for a partner".

From there on, the more people you are exposed to, the likelier you are to stumble upon someone you click with romantically. You would also be surprised how many people find partners through mutual friends.

I can't really speak from the women side of things. It sounds like you haven't met anyone that you've really had a spark with?

Dating apps can be tough, especially being trans. I don't think you're going about it wrong, it can just take a lot of time to find someone you really like. If it gets too much, don't be afraid to take a break for a while, use that time to rest and reset.

Isn't it natural to date people, and if it's not a good fit to eventually move on?

Dating is hard, especially nowadays. You DON'T WANT any of them that eventually leave anyway because it will NEVER be a healthy relationship if you somehow managed it

Find someone who cherishes YOU. Just be aware it may take more time than some, but there are plenty of people who strike out just as often for a variety of reasons

Keep looking, keep asking for feedback from them, it's not easy but relationships never are

The only fact provided is that you were AMAB. Obviously this is limiting your dating pool, but so would many other immediate physical attributes. I will bet that in some cases you found guys that were trying to be open to it, but after a few dates figured out they weren’t as open to it as they thought.

Beyond that, what kind of conversations are you having? Are you finding shared interests? Are you sensing a spark that fades before it can catch fire? What kind of dates are you going on? Is there any personality clicking at all?

You are doing all of the right steps. You are clear up front about who you are and what you want. Ignore the people who unmatch and say bad things. You are telling them one thing and they are telling you everything about them (that they are assholes).

The thing about dating is every relationships will not work out until it does. So until you hit the one that last it will feel like nothing but failures. Also note that a successful relationships doesn't have to mean until one of you is dead. If you date for a while, have fun and then don't work out in the end that is a successful short term relationship if you don't damage each other in the process. Dating especially on the apps sucks for everyone. You are not alone in this regard. Keep on the apps and attempt to meet people IRL via groups, hobbies, volunteers events and other interests you have. People like happy people and people are happy when doing things they love.

You've got some great advice already, but just to add that in my early twenties I wasn't even self aware enough to know what I wanted, let alone communicate that even if I had. So it's not like you're missing out on some secret.

Sounds like you need a break from dating.