this post was submitted on 24 Jul 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


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1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

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[–] GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago (2 children)
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[–] Emi@ani.social 11 points 1 week ago (5 children)
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[–] wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 11 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (6 children)

I'd like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent without requiring specific location, action or other ritual) and know the answers to those questions, but with the following stipulations:

  • that all answers are to be formatted and delivered in such a way that I understand them, without any changes or consequences that my current self (as of the writing of this statement, in my current condition) would consider a significant change to my physical and mental stability, and without requiring more than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline) to understand in fullness, and being delivered in a timeframe of less than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline).
  • that any redactions due to such stability concerns as in the prior stipulations are to be formatted and delivered as part of the reformatted answer
  • that any answer which is inherently unknowable returns an explanation for why it is unknowable, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
  • that no answers pursuant to the ability lead to circular logic
  • that this ability, its answers and enabling factors shall not require a sacrifice which my current self (as described above under my current circumstances when informed of the context of the sacrifice in plain English communication) would not think reasonable.
  • that if such a sacrifice is required, an explanation of the requisite sacrifice and the factors requiring it be returned to me, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
  • that I am to be able to choose to transfer any of these answers to another individual of any species, and that the individual be able to understand the answers, so long as the prior stipulations on sacrifice and physical and mental stability are satisfied both for myself and the secondary individual.
[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 9 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Hmm, I was going to say you go insane but I see you've covered that. Okay, nice. Any question you ask will receive a safe response (answered if possible). However, you must ask the questions out loud and every answer given will be in a booming voice that nearly everyone hears around the world. The answers do not physically or mentally harm you, but other people may have psychotic breaks depending on the questions you ask:

(To be clear, the wish doesn't give you the second ability to talk to animals or transmit thoughts. You'll have to ask about whether those things are possible.)

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[–] HerrVorragend@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I want to win a multimillion Euro lottery jackpot soon. Many thanks.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (2 children)

You will buy a euromillions ticket with the numbers "8 15 26 33 41 9 10". These are the numbers for a previous EuroMillions jackpot, which you have "won" against all odds. Im leben kann Mann nicht alles haben:

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[–] Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)
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[–] Resonosity@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)

A socialist organization of the economy, where everyone works less and less during the week as technology advances and assists, but doesn't replace, the labor pool.

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[–] bss03 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Universal love and Transcendent joy

But, if you can't do that, I'd like to enjoy the things I used to (~ 2019?) enjoy.

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[–] Gonzako@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)
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[–] Siegfried@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I want my teeth back and healthy

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[–] Baphomet_The_Blasphemer@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I would love a fully functional self powered Star Trek industrial replicator (pre-programmed)... oh, and while you're at it, if you could tweak my brain to do the dopamine thing in a healthy way, I'd appreciate it, but fully understand if that's too much of an ask.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You are now the proud owner of a fully-functional/powered industrial replicator (as seen in Star Trek). The replicator requires a massive energy input which is supplied by its own matter-antimatter reactors. There are numerous built-in safety and ethical protocols, including an inability to replicate functional weapons. The government has detected that you have this technology, and would like to ask you a few questions:

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[–] xorollo@leminal.space 10 points 1 week ago (5 children)

Can you clear both my nasal passages so I can breath through them simultaneously?

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[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 10 points 1 week ago (9 children)

The ability to restart parts of my life from a save file, starting from like 16.

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[–] Masamune@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I'd like a pleasant surprise that has no negative consequences whatsoever.

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[–] yermaw@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 week ago (3 children)

While youre at it could you whip me up a post-scarcity fully-automated utopia real quick?

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[–] CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago (6 children)
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[–] Vespair@lemmy.zip 8 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I'm never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?

Edit: oh no I've been reading your monkey's paw responses.... You're gonna make restaurants disclose everything clearly but ensure that onions and mustard are in every dish from now on, aren't you?

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[–] tja@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 week ago (4 children)

I would like to have enough money that I don't have to work anymore

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[–] _Bit@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago (3 children)
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[–] Simulation6@sopuli.xyz 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Cancel all requests in this post that would cause harm to anyone.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (5 children)

There's always an altruist. Okay, all harmful wishes before this request are hereby revoked! It's like it never happened, except you don't get to wish again:

  • @umbrella@lemmy.ml -- Zuckerburg never got diarrhea. But his face still looks like that.

  • @diemartin@sh.itjust.works - Capitalism never fell and society never collapsed.

  • @WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today - Never got stuck in a time loop.

  • @yermaw@sh.itjust.works - Utopia never lead to human galactic dominance.

  • @Resonosity@lemmy.dbzer0.com - The new socialist president was never assassinated.

  • @_Bit@lemmy.world - The dragon "Wyvern of Mordiford" never existed and didn't eat humans.

  • @tja@sh.itjust.works - Never became a millionaire and never got non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

  • @jimmux@programming.dev - Never got jetpacks. No children were harmed.

  • @TheTechnician27@lemmy.world - The advance A.I. "V.I.K.I." was never developed. Digital slop abounds.

  • @interdimensionalmeme@lemmy.ml - The Earth never collided with the Sun at nearly the speed of light.

  • @petrol_sniff_king@lemmy.blahaj.zone - Never lost ten years of memory. But does remember the bad dinner.

  • @magnetosphere@fedia.io - Increased empathy never led to fascism.

  • @SassyRamen@lemmy.world - A man named Donald John Trump was born.

  • @sfxrlz@lemmy.dbzer0.com -- You are no longer uncontrollably perennially happy.

  • @AllToRuleThemOne@lemmy.world -- Popcorn shrimp did not rain from the sky and collapse the ecosystem.

  • @icelimit@lemmy.ml -- Dual memories of past and future never harmed you. The memories are gone.

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[–] hakunawazo@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?

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