over the years ive increasingly become a reclusive insomniac, its 5:02am and i haven't slept. i work in 3 hours. i also have no friends, no family around at all either, totally isolated. i usually just sit in my room getting drunk on vodka, malts, soju, all the time. my friend group is exclusively online, and over the years we have started to drift away not for any bad reason, but just because we all have very different lives in very different parts of the country, and we all want different things out of life.
i deal with this loneliness sometimes. its easier nowadays for me, i just daydream and fantasize a lot. but it does always sink back in eventually. i also have many personality phases and watch "friendship simulator" style youtube videos. typically vlogs from people with unusual lifestyles that i want to live. but when it comes to making actual friendships, i never can. i met someone recently who resonated a lot with me. we were both megafans of the same series, and grew up in similar circumstances. our views on things were quite the same too. but when he gave me his discord, i pondered it for a while, and just decided to hide from him and to not add him. i did it with sadness in my heart though.
i know this is from friendship trauma, but it seems like every time ive tried to form friendships over the years they crash and burn. (for example, the last friendship i attempted literally ended in drama because the person ended up dating a minor, and i backed out even further into solitude not to be involved with that. my main friend group also capitulated into 3 different groups over this, i have 2 people left in my life now, both online and both usually too busy to chat.)
im not sure if any advice is even possible here, its more of a vent than anything. i feel like im going insane sometimes. but then ill just watch youtube or something and it makes my brain pseudo-satisfied with the phony social interaction. i just dont know what to do with myself.