this post was submitted on 01 Jul 2025
6 points (100.0% liked)

depression_now!

1034 readers
1 users here now

A sad place for sad people to be sad.

Have fun!

This community is for people with depression. Memes and general discussion about depression are encouraged and welcome.

Bi-polar people are also allowed to post here but only sometimes.(joke)

This community is aimed at being inclusive for all people with depression and as such should be free of racism, homophobia, trans-phobia, sexism, patriarch and all other forms of hate-speech.

Trolls will be banned!

Thnx

Some resources posted from helpful people:

Therapy is not for everyone, check out peer counseling instead: https://www.americanmentalwellness.org/intervention/peer-support/

Find health professionals: https://www.psychologytoday.com/

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Discoslugs@lemmy.world
6
Calm before the storm 🥀 (ermm.xyz)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by jaypeewashere@lemmy.world to c/depression_now@lemmy.world
7 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I'm not sure what to say, I have tried my hardest to cope with my ongoing depression for numerous reasons, although it was never this worse, not until the person I looked up to, the person I adored, the person who is closest to me, the person I love decided to emotionally abandoned me, ghosted me out of the blue, gave me cold shoulder deliberately, leading me to develop severe anxiety and emotional trauma to the point where every single second of my life feels like an hour, excruciating long hour. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping not because I wanted to, because I physically couldn't. Everytime I shut my eyes, I would end up with my heart racing and pounding to escape my chest. I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining myself, having people not understand how big of an impact they can have on others, especially when they are important ,I spent grueling past 4 weeks basically having mini heart attacks every couple minute or so, begging my SO to realize the severity of it. Yet I was so scared of her I couldn't tell her that she's became the reason why I have this anxiety, why I cried until I fell on my knees, until I throw up, until I pass out...some say life isn't fair when I try to be selfish for once...but life seems to be fair when they are selfish? I bawled my eyes out to be heard by one person who means the world to me, no matter the situation, no one deserves to be traumatized, be emotionally abandoned..under no circumstance to this extent do they deserve to be broken down so much...that they become so dysfunctional.....Now I'm calmer than before, but suicidal, severely suicidal. I still cry a lot, but they are mostly tears rolling down my eyes thinking about the aftermath. I thought about my parents, my childhood, to avert the situation but I am emotionally drained, tired. I can no longer navigate my life. I'm offing myself on 3nd July..I don't feel anything while talking about it, I don't feel scared even standing by the edge. I prayed, meditated, I tried , cried, and cried, I begged and wailed (cried intensively) but my voice went unheard. Repeatedly. Often by the ones I held close to my heart. My dearest ones. It hurts. A lot. I wish the people who matter to me would have understood my plea, my pain, my sorrows...my apologies, but I've made up my mind now. Even I cannot stop the time anymore. 💔

I'm taking a day to tying up loose ends.

If I'm able to share a website I made of myself...my thoughts, I'm offing myself on 3rd July. I spent time with my mother and my father, although didn't go as I planned...I hoped to feel loved but issok I know they tried. 🥀 I guess this cruel world didn't deserve me. 🙂💔

I cannot navigate through life....the thought of it makes my will to end stronger. I'm tired. 🥀 Sorry

Please visit to know partially why and how.

top 7 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] schmorpel@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's not so long ago that I was feeling like you. No love, no light, no reason to live after my relationship ended. Months of darkness, every day waking up to the darkness again. I was very seriously thinking about offing myself so the pain would stop. However I just can't really do it because I have a kid who would have a shitty trauma from it, and a dad who would have a shitty trauma from it. Can't do that to those people so I decided it wasn't an option for now.

So I had to continue somehow, dragged myself through every day, somehow managed to put at least a little food inside of me. Since I couldn't really kill myself and hurt my family so much I prayed for feeling happiness again (I don't follow organized religion but will make up my spiritual entities as needed). There was no immediate relief, only the tiniest improvements. Me noticing the color of the sky, the taste of food, the smell of flowers, a neighbor gifting me a salad from her garden, a slight breeze on a hot day. It never seemed enough, but it was there, and steadily growing.

And then yesterday while doing some small thing in my backyard garden I suddenly noticed I was happy again. Not big time dramatically happy - but content with my life and what I have. The way to get out of this darkness was a thousand tiny steps. The showering even though I don't want to, the many attempts (lots of them failures) of finding something I want to eat. Cleaning my room. Setting up situations where I am around people and surprisingly enjoying myself a tiny bit. The stubborn planting of a garden in times of apocalypse. Adopting a kitten because nobody else wanted it.

As someone who is a parent I beg you to please stay around - at least till your parents are no more. You seem to have some kind of a relationship with them, maybe not great but it's there. They probably don't deserve to live with the absolute horror of losing a child to suicide. Stay around while they are alive, go through the motions, maybe find a little critter to take care of - if nothing improves you can still walk away from this life later. If you want a fellow experiencer of utter fucking darkness to talk to, I'm here.

[–] jaypeewashere@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

It's difficult to put it in words how much I'm struggling..but do you think it is okay to emotionally abandon someone under any circumstance when they are the most vulnerable? It's a yes or no question. There are other underlying issues, not just that...but it was the tipping point..I thought I could nagivate through it..but now with this crippling anxiety, mini heart attacks. every single day, I know it's hard to understand my perspective, but I have tried my hardest to be fine...I didn't deserve this pain. But I cannot navigate through life anymore.. I wish i could find words to properly express how I feel.. About my parents, I have though through and through again and yet I cannot come to make myself back out of the decision. I did decide to spend final 2 days with them, especially with my mom. I tried expressing myself through the website I made, even that didn't feel enough.

Gosh I'm hurting so so so much rn 🥀💔........if only they could comprehend how much it affected me.

[–] schmorpel@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's hard to understand someone else's pain, especially when we are not experiencing the same level of pain in the current moment. I do know how it feels when every reason to be alive is gone and there's nothing but problems and more problems but no reason why one should still bother to solve them.

I believe only honesty can see us through the darkness. From what I read between the lines you are considering suicide to make another person understand how much they hurt you - am I understanding that correctly? Were you together? What happened?

[–] jaypeewashere@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I'm not considering it to make them understand or hurt them, god no, never, they are too precious to me, more than I can express, and they know it. That would be toxic and stupid. I have been struggling for a while, although they became the tipping point in my decision, they didn't have to make my depression worse, made me feel I'm worthless, abandoned. They emotionally abandoned me when they didn't have any reason to, had there been a reason it could have been handled in a better, more humane way. Apologizing after causing so much emotional trauma, damage and pain, yet neglecting my emotions isn't okay...and then telling me to trust them just to shatter that trust...continuing to cause more pain even though they know I am hurting so much, I'm having such bad anxiety attacks....though they're not the sole reason for my depression... but they did downright emotionally abandoned me (we're close), leading me to have this crippling anxiety, constant anxiety attacks, worsening my depression...they know, they heard me. The amount of pain I have endured, the amount of pain they caused me isn't okay. It could have been avoided but they chose to deliberately hurt me. I cannot even express it in plain words.. I cried until I fell on my knee. I tried fighting my thoughts..I have no hope left. I have shattered all hope, I have no strength left. My mind rests now, I'm hurting so much, so so so much yet my mind rests because the decision has been made... No humanity left? So much cruelty, after everything? Why me? I am not considering it.. I have considered it, I am moving ahead with it after setting my affairs. I always have so much trouble being honest, but the more I think about navigating through life, the more motivated I become on committing suicide.

I did my best, It only works on laptop/desktop..but made an interactive website on how I feel, maybe one day people can read my story, realize and be a bit kinder to one another, whoever will go through what I went through. 🥀

[–] schmorpel@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

No other person should have this power over you. In fact, no other person has this power over you unless you choose it to be so.

You claim this other person is precious to you, and that you do not mean to commit suicide to make them understand. Yet in every sentence you claim it's their fault that you feel the way you feel. That is toxic. I will be very honest, even though it will sound incredibly hard-hearted and cruel: if I were this other person I'd want to distance myself as well because I could never, ever accept this amount of responsibility for someone else.

I've been hurt by others who have broken my heart five times in a row, pulled me close then pushed me away - but make them responsible for losing the will to live? Are you actually aware of the weight you are placing on this other person? Please, please, please, for the sake of the happiness you'll probably feel as soon as six months from here - understand that you and you alone are responsible for feeling whole. You cannot assign your will to live to someone else.

Here's a small exercise a wise woman taught me when I was down and alone in the darkness:

Close your eyes. Deep breath. Breathe out. Imagine your energy like a shiny ball of light around you. Breathe in, pull the energy together to inside of you, concentrate this ball of energy inside of you. Keep it there while you continue breathing. You will probably manage this for a short moment, then lose concentration. Well done, this is all you need for now. Every time you think about the other person, do this exercise. I promise you it will improve how you feel.

[–] jaypeewashere@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

People do have power over you, people whom you trust, whom you show your vulnerable side. I never said they are the reason, I said it pushed me closer to the edge when I was barely holding off. That's just how it is. If you claim that no one should have such power over you, then you're just claiming that no one can affect you to this extent. People can make and break you if the relationship holds meaning. I shared part of the reason, another reason is ongoing family issues, which I find difficult for myself to open up. I know you’re trying to help, but I think you’ve misunderstood me.

I didn’t give someone power over my life I gave them trust. What I got in return was silence and emotional abandonment, right when I was barely holding on. That is downright cruel. I’m not blaming them for everything...but I’m allowed to feel broken by how I was treated.

This isn’t about solely blaming them it’s about being honest about the pain and how deeply it affected me. No one can resonate with my with it but me. Like you said everyone experiences it differently.

My feelings are valid. My story matters...maybe someone else feels less alone if they can relate. Sometimes, the most human thing you can do is sit with someone’s pain… not correct it.

[–] schmorpel@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 month ago

Sorry for being so blunt in this situation - I guess I find it difficult to sit without trying to fix, or give advice, or try to change the other - especially when a person says they want to die. You must admit that makes it hard for any bystander to just sit without trying to do anything (especially as a parent imagining their kid could be in this situation). How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

It's not so much about trying to feel not broken, or else 'Have you tried to be more cheerful' could replace all therapy and medication. There's no point in pretending the other person didn't cause hurt and pain, I fully believe you when you say they did, and I did have people behave in certain ways towards me when they had no need to do what they did. I sometimes think as soon as we approach others that's what we set ourselves up for, simply because we are all broken and damaged to some extent and it is bound to happen at some point. As soon as the other person touches some trigger that we carry there's bound to be pain and disconnect. Sometimes they mean it and do it consciously, mostly they just can't help themselves. I believe it's very rare that a person dishes out hurt because they feel pleasure in making others feel bad. Mostly it's that they can't behave differently because of their own pain. The person who hurt me - I know I've hurt them too, badly, and at this point I can't say anymore who started, but I'm fairly sure non of us meant for it to happen because we had a good thing going. Yet we smashed it up, broke each others' hearts and it's a bloody miracle we are both still alive after the whole thing because it was as painful as falling from heaven straight to hell.

Anyways I'll keep sitting here, in my blatantly imperfect way as a fellow human who has experienced awful pain at some point, similar but different. Would it help you to open up about those family issues (I understand if that's too much to ask for since you've been hurt so much after opening up to someone)?