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IMO, the sketchiest part is that the department knew about the relationship, let him continue using the fake identity for years after leaving the force, and pressured the family to keep quiet after learning the truth.
Now that is commitment to the bit.
I'm not sure it was a bit.
He wasn't investigating her. If you are an undercover agent and meet someone new - off duty and unrelated to work - are you allowed to tell them your real name?
If not, if a single person is forced to choose between no intimate relationships and relationships only under a pseudonym, then the latter is the predictable choice.
I think the ethical choices are not what you laid out. In this case choose between relationship and job. People do it all the time.
Or choose both. You may consider that unethical, but that doesn't mean it was insincere. People do unethical things all the time with sincere motivations.
Sincerity is a poor defense of bad behavior.
I'm not necessarily defending it, I'm pointing out that his commitment to her was quite possibly sincere and not a "bit".
This isnt even the first time this has happened in the UK. A group of officers held fake relationships with a climate protester group too.
Wow! That poor kid! Poor woman too but I can't imagine that kid learning all this and some imaginary person is on his birth certificate!? Trust issues forever. Fucking wow. Can anyone put a fictitious person down on a birth certificate? Can you do that for both parents? Does this get him out of child support? I have sooo many more questions.
No, it does not get you out of child support. Just as taking your spouse's last name does not get you out of debt.
Learning "all this"? That the father has a different name and job? Is that even relevant to their relationship? It has been 19 years. You can blame him for not telling her in the first months, after his undercover thing was over. After that he just rolled with it. That is it. Zero trust issues.
I agree. Your name is the least important part of your identity.
If my spouse told me that she actually had a different name on her birth certificate then I wouldn't bat an eye. In fact, I would probably continue using the "fake" name, because why not.