this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2024
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Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO ☞ https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

🤣

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[–] zarkanian@sh.itjust.works 271 points 8 months ago (1 children)

My favorite part of this:

...Collins said that “part of the reason we did bought InfoWars is because people on Bluesky told us it would be funny to buy InfoWars” adding that “those people were right” this “is the funniest thing that has ever happened”.

[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 107 points 8 months ago

That also sounds like the kind of prank that Cards Against Humanity would pull if they had access to as much cash. I love this so much.

[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.world 242 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Honestly, considering how much of a clown Alex Jones was, they have their work cut out for them if they want to compete at comedic levels!

Either way, this may be the best news I've heard all year, thank you!

[–] hamsterkill@lemmy.sdf.org 123 points 8 months ago (3 children)

I wonder if this gives them the rights to all of Infowars' library of footage. Maybe they could "keep" Jones as a host by cutting up old clips kinda how South Park did with Isaac Hayes for Chef's last episode.

[–] Joeffect@lemmy.world 66 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Up for grabs at the auction were Infowars production rights and materials, the Infowars store, domain names, production equipment and other assets — including a Terradyne armored truck and a Winnebago motor home — that can be purchased in their entirety or in parts, according to the firm, ThreeSixty Asset Advisors. Jones broadcasts from the Austin, Texas, area.

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[–] nova_ad_vitum@lemmy.ca 19 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

I hope they own Jones' likeness to the point where they can give DJs the rights to remix his shouts into something of value.

[–] Omgpwnies@lemmy.world 17 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Train an AI model to produce new shows with him as the host

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[–] chiliedogg@lemmy.world 212 points 8 months ago (5 children)

They should harness the crazy for good. Make conspiracy theory-sounding stories, but make them factual and get people to take positive action.

"They created chemicals you can inject into the bloodstream that keeps them from getting the Measels."

"The overlords in their golden towers want to tell you who you are and aren't allowed to love."

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 87 points 8 months ago (2 children)

The vaccine one would probably be better as: “independent thinking researchers developed a means of using your own body’s immune response to prevent diseases with a mere injection. Some of them even refused to patent it. But then the media started lying to you about them, trying to get you to stop accepting these miracles? Why, just so some companies could make more money selling you proprietary snake oil to keep you comfortable while you’re sick.”

[–] hogmomma@lemmy.world 46 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Coming from a reformed conspiracy theorist, that was frighteningly good.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 32 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Thanks! The trick is to understand the emotions they aim for and the baseline rhetorical tricks.

Conspiracies stem from knowing you’re getting fucked, but that most people are good. It’s an attempt to find explanations when the world feels wrong. Someone did it. You just have to sell the truth in the tone that they’re used to hearing. Especially with vaccines where the truth does sound like a free lunch, until you realize that it’s governments and insurers paying for vaccines and it saves them and the economy money by you not getting sick or needing stronger medicines. These are the two groups that desperately want you to exercise, eat right, and quit smoking

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[–] Wahots@pawb.social 18 points 8 months ago

This is brilliant. Please send them an email with this idea.

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[–] zephorah@lemm.ee 148 points 8 months ago (5 children)

The funniest piece is going to be seeing old followers believe it’s still the InfoWars they know and love. It took forever for people to stop eating the onion in large numbers, and it still manages to happen on occasion.

There is opportunity here. Initially, anyway.

[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 67 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I think there's always going to be that group of people. Another example: folks that didn't notice that The Colbert Report was satire.

[–] Today@lemmy.world 24 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I thought Glenn Beck was satire. Watched it several times and then one day .. wait, that's not a joke?

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[–] CosmicTurtle0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 64 points 8 months ago (3 children)

A part of me actually wished that the Onion would have purchased InfoWars, but in secret, like maybe under a subsidiary corp that has a right-wing sounding name.

They don't change Infowars' branding or anything but the articles become subtly liberal.

Maybe an overt purchase is better but I really want to troll the right.

[–] GladiusB@lemmy.world 26 points 8 months ago

"Do your swastikas send the right message to your neighbors? Maybe try this instead..."

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[–] Alexstarfire@lemmy.world 140 points 8 months ago (1 children)

This was not on my bingo card.

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[–] PanArab@lemm.ee 116 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

Info Wars might actually become credible

[–] nobody158@sh.itjust.works 18 points 8 months ago (1 children)
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[–] Voroxpete@sh.itjust.works 66 points 8 months ago (2 children)

I genuinely don't know how they plan to make a parody of InfoWars that will not be indistinguishable from the original thing.

[–] EleventhHour@lemmy.world 32 points 8 months ago (1 children)

They’re very, very good at it

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[–] EldritchFeminity@lemmy.blahaj.zone 16 points 8 months ago (3 children)

The funniest thing to do would be to turn it into either a legitimate leftist new site or a leftist themed nujob conspiracy mill (though I don't know how that would work).

[–] RandomVideos@programming.dev 24 points 8 months ago (2 children)

"The rich intentionally causing global warming to make people have to use cars"

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[–] booly@sh.itjust.works 18 points 8 months ago (1 children)

leftist themed nujob conspiracy mill

The Republican party is ripe for conspiracy theory targets.

Epstein had close ties with Trump and his attorney general Bill Barr (whose father hired Epstein to teach at a prestigious private high school without a college degree, where he was known for ogling the high school girls and showing up to parties where underage drinking was happening). The waitresses and hostesses at Trump's Mar a Lago were also regularly recruited to work at Epstein's island. Alex Acosta, the federal prosecutor who agreed to a secret plea deal where Epstein served a slap on the wrist in a local jail instead of real prison was later elevated to Trump's cabinet, as Labor Secretary.

Now, Trump has named another child sex trafficker as his nominee for Attorney General.

There are suspicious ties between the Saudi royal family and key members in Trump's orbit, including his son in law Jared Kushner. Elon Musk has been doing sketchy shit with the Saudis and the Russians, as well. Basically everyone in Trump's circle, including his nominee to be the director of national intelligence, has shady ties with foreign adversaries.

There's lots of other little things about financial profiteering by the Trump folks: an SBA COVID bailout that went to huge businesses, a move to privatize or sabotage the public postal service and the weather service to help the private competition, arbitrary or politically motivated regulations to help certain businesses while hurting others, etc.

I mean, it really wouldn't be hard.

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[–] billiam0202@lemmy.world 54 points 8 months ago

very funny, very stupid

Well, their work is half done already!

[–] eugenevdebs@lemmy.dbzer0.com 52 points 8 months ago

Fucking awesome. Onion has been hitting it hard lately, and this is just the cherry on top. I am hopeful this makes some chuds question their minds.

[–] noodlejetski@lemm.ee 52 points 8 months ago (1 children)

truly the wildest of timelines

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[–] roofuskit@lemmy.world 46 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Will anyone visiting know the difference?

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[–] Aeri@lemmy.world 45 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Counterpoint, it was already stupid.

[–] Godnroc@lemmy.world 43 points 8 months ago

Yes, but this time it will be on purpose.

[–] mo_lave@reddthat.com 43 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Is it The Onion? Or Not the Onion?

Yes

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[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 43 points 8 months ago (11 children)

For me, the cherry on top is how the "InfoWars" name is still completely apt, for completely different reasons.

[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 22 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Reformatting InfoWars as a serious, unironic branch of the Onion that deals with misinformation would just be great.

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[–] qyron@sopuli.xyz 42 points 8 months ago (1 children)

This is what I call a master class on starting a soft revolution: you take over a symbol of the opposite ideology, in the most outrageous and ridiculous way, make it known to all, and completely subvert it and deconstruct it, piece by piece, until it stops making any sense to its former self.

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 15 points 8 months ago (8 children)

Like the right keeps doing with memes!

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[–] poleslav@lemmy.world 33 points 8 months ago (4 children)

Saw the news on their YouTube. Looked it up thinking it was satire and sure as shit it’s not. Probably the fastest I’ve ever purchased merch ever. Gonna love wearing my onion shirt, always loved them but this was the point I needed to send them some money because this is hilarious.

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[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 31 points 8 months ago

The Onion's first headline needs to be:

"Oh Shit! It's ALL true!"

[–] masquenox@lemmy.world 28 points 8 months ago (4 children)

They should send Alex Jones a $1 "royalty" check every month - just so that he doesn't forget it.

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[–] overload@sopuli.xyz 26 points 8 months ago

Finally some good news!

[–] Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 22 points 8 months ago (9 children)

Remember Stephen Colbert's satire? Conservatives loved him.

Satire of something already completely outlandish is problematic.

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[–] AGuyAcrossTheInternet@fedia.io 19 points 8 months ago

Listen, I keep saying that reality is better satire than satire, BUT COME ON!

[–] Freefall@lemmy.world 19 points 8 months ago

LoL, AJ lost the Info War. 🤣👍

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