this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2024
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A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says "hey buddy, you lost a shoe" and the duck says "nah, I found one!"
Okay, now that's good.
This joke is all class. Well done
- What’s brown and sticky?
- A stick
What's blue and sticky?
The same stick when it holds its breath.
What's brown and rymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, I can't serve you alcohol, you're too young". The weasel replies that's ok, I'll drink something else. The bartender says "well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what'll it be?"
"Pop!" goes the weasel
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How do think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Mike Tyson? That you?
I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?'
A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.'
And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’
She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.'
I said 'Alright, I’ll wait
I'm sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I'll stop now
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can't complain.
What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?
Telephant
Yes, I'm a dad, how did you know?
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The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you're telling the joke to start saying "knock knock", then you you say, "who's there?".
Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅
Usually, the most effective way is to say, "Wanna hear a knock knock joke?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, you start."
Has about a 90% success rate.
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Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?" The pirate answers: "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"
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I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
What do you call ten thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A good start.
I dipped my balls in glitter.
Pretty nuts, right?
what's red and smells like blue paint?
red paint.
Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.
"Those are cougar tracks!" Bob exclaimed.
"Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks." Brain said.
"I'm tellin' you, I've been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!"
"There's no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!"
Then they both got hit by a train.
Timing.
What is the most important aspect to remember when telling a joke?
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
-Mitch Hedberg
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An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.
(Un œuf sounds like “enough.” That’s the joke.)
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out, man.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
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So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the secondhand diary that I bought… ‘I don't remember this.’
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I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.
If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome...
What's long and brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown, and rhymes with "Snoop?"
Dr. Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
For drizzle, m'nizzle.
How does Helen Keller know when she's done wiping?
Taste test.
I've got tons of this shit for when we've got downtime at work.
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When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
I see. It's all coming back to me now... Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.
I see. Said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell.. Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?
...he was lack-toes intolerant.
One more, I'm sorry.
I've been making wine at home but I make it out of raisins so it'll be aged automatically.
What do you get when you pull the wings off of a fly?
A walk.
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