site's back, time to party 
I just read My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness (2016) by Nagata Kabi and it fucking destroyed me 
moments all around.
spoilers for the manga/CW: sex work, depression, eating disorder, lots of venting
- I do have daydreams about hiring a very hot fem twink to have sex with me but I talk myself out of it every time. Either it's a waste of money (even though money isn't a concern, my parents became landlords after COVID), I'm too ugly to even pay for someone to have sex with me, they'll turn out to be a kidnapper etc.
- I do struggle with not having any real life friends and I do depend on my parents for a lot of things. My life right now is just doing errands for my parents while trying not to die of the summer heat.
- My only experience with sex is getting caught by my English teacher while grinding on this guy in the library and some random person I found on grindr while I was underage. So i basically have the sex = bad mindset that I repeat to myself.
- I too have an eating disorder that's tied to my mood swings. Sometimes I just get uncontrollably mad and raise my voice at people and afterwards im like "wow that was so cisgender male rage im not really trans."
It's incredible how every plot beat of her manga can have a 1 to 1 pairing with my own life. I'm still in university right now so I can still turn it around. Apparently in 2016 she paid around $360 adjusted for todays inflation on a single night with a lesbian sex worker, thats a lotta monies!
It is a good short read but very much introspective angst and heavy af but it is very real to the struggle of chronically lonely queer people who never had any sort of queer childhood growing up but are still gay.
