but one day I won't be putting boy clothes on!

I feel this way kind of often about my body, especially like my legs. Its a very weird feeling, especially when it isn't in an upsetting/dysphoric way. Those just don't feel like my arms.

does the mask comfort me? despite the discomfort of it, and the joy of my real gender whenever i try for it, the mask is security. autistic, adhd, trans, and communist. Surrounded by transphobic liberals, im used to having a mask. But i hide behind it even though i hate it because im more scared of being at the mercy of other's judgement and that judgement being something that would wound me to my core than I am motivated towards trying to be trans. I've gotten invitations from 2 different trans women to go shopping or try clothes in a safe space, i've ghosted them on the topic. Im hiding.

i put myself out there once, and because it went slightly bad i refuse to ever again. I accidentally outed myself to my marxist party and thats the only reason they know, and it'd be weird to correct them now, since just hiding would make everything easier to deal with (is that even true I don't think so). i hate myself, fully and truly, but im more scared of dying and the end, and i've already convinced myself that it will not bring me or anyone peace, and will just hurt the ones i love. So i disappear, i fade away. eventually they will not notice me, eventually i will escape, and when i go i can finally free everyone from worrying.

absolute bullshit, since life doesn't work like that. Life has too much potential to just leave, ill say, death is no peace its just the end, ill say. i will desperately try to convince myself of anything to keep going. As edgy as it is, im sustained by rage and indulgence in my addictions. I will not die until the US dies, and in the meantime i will do everything to ignore the specter.

i am broken, i don't think i understand how to have normal relationships. I was SA'd at a young age and that had an effect on me ig. Every relationship is sexual, love is too, even if you don't want them sexually not really. I am only just beginning to separate those i love platonically, romantically, and sexually. i am only beginning to realize that they're different at all. people only want to be around me because they want sex, they want to take it from me, like any transaction thats just the quota. I don't know how to deal with anything that isn't. Its hurting me and i hate it i hate every moment.

I want my mind to quiet but the solution they give is a lie. I wish i could just be who i know i can be, but im too afraid and self absorbed. My life is just me struggling with myself as they are my worst enemy.