I don't think I like Paul, I think Paul is a fucking weirdo.

"Mannish hands" is such a dumb fucking concept, how can they be mannish if a woman can have them?? And wow Paul, it's cute that you desire femininity and are are a weird quantum-state nonbinary ethereal egg, but don't go projecting that shit onto my 90s dykes like a weird misogynist. What if women wanna be shaped weird or rugged and handsome or punkish or just kinda funny, huh?????? What then, shapeshifting coward???????? I sympathise with him in ways but he strikes me as judgy, typical I guess? Pls reassure me that nobody ever thinks this way.

I literally have not felt a single moment of true happiness for at least 3 years at this point. I don't even remember what happiness feels like. it sounds cliche but it's true, I actually cannot remember even the sensation of it. If I'm not spiraling from OCD I'm feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety over random things or numb from depression. Usually it's all three at once. I am starting to think I have BPD. I fit a lot of the symptoms.

And I don't have an easy health answer to my fatigue. From all measurable accounts I seem normal but I'm so tired and dizzy that even climbing up and down stairs is a chore. My family thinks I'm faking it and that all I need to do is to get more exercise or something but I've tried exercise. I've tried exercise and it's a miserable experience that doesn't make me feel better afterwards. I had a period 2 years ago when I was briefly in college where I walked and biked constantly. I felt winded after walking for 10 minutes on the first day of the semester and on my last. My stamina is just gone.

I don't know what to do about all this. Medically transition, I guess, but I'm still living with my family and I'm worried they won't be supportive. It was already a fight to get my mom to be okay with me being a queer person who ostensibly wasn't trying to change stuff about my body. She wasn't happy when I brought up the prospect of going on birth control. What would her reaction be to me taking testosterone and getting my tits chopped off??

I've hated my body for as long as I can realistically remember and it's just getting worse. The ed, the sh, maybe it's all tied back to this.

I wish I'd wake up as a woman, if only to try it and know.