chat

Relatedy, I was kinda thinkin' recently - if a white person declares themselves "not racist", you might be well-served preparing yourself to hear the worst possible shit come out of their mouth, right? I guess any self-declaration like that should be treated with suspicion, because it might be hiding the kind of awful shit you describe here.

I don't personally torment the sick and the poor, so basically I am Jesus Christ.

Ughhhh why is this so common? What possesses people to think "well I didn't beat you or starve you or leave you out in the cold therefore I'm a saint"?

Honestly I almost don't think the word ally has any productive uses left. Even if you were going to use it with other queer people it'd require so much "well not that kind of """ally""""" caveating that it'd be easier to just not invoke it at all.

I know others who've described very similar experiences.

Its basically the same as people that describe themselves as "progressive" (years ago), or "leftist" (nowadays), or as an "activist", because they want to feel better than other people, not because they give a shit about any of it.

Queer Ally is another one of those terms that can't really be claimed for oneself, you have to wait for queer people to call you that.

Those people sound horrible, given the way they treated you. Not an ounce of empathy offered. I agree that if they aren't willing to learn, they shouldn't call themselves an ally. I especially can't stand people who impose themselves on others like that, not allowing them to flourish as their true selves. It just ruffles my sense of right and wrong, especially when coming from people who are supposed to be nurturing, like a parent . I hope you have better days free of such harmful people. 🫂

Holy hell my parents never even claimed to be allies and they haven't been that bad 😳

I honestly can't imagine any of the cishet people who are cool and not weird around me declare themselves as allies, why would you even want to do that? It's so performative. The only time i see people doing this is when they are doing pinkwashing or deflecting accusations of some form of queerphobia. I get it when cishet people wear a pride pin or something like that to signal they're safe to be around, i know certified cool and supportive people who do that and it can mean a lot to baby queers not used to being out in public - but when you have to announce how supportive you are to people you know, it's always something like the shit you're describing.

ah yes, the ol' "could not do more" when in reality they could hardly do less.

ugh i know too many self-declared "allies" who really just want to be patted on the head and issued their good boy points before doing sweet fuck all to even understand queer issues, let alone make our lives better

but jfc, any parent that wouldn't die for their kids should immediately have their children and capacity to have children taken away. whether they're yours or you're just marrying someone with kids, you are signing up to lay down your life for theirs, otherwise what's the fucking point of you?

i'm sorry you had to go through all this. it's awful and nobody deserves this kind of treatment.

"...could not do more..."

"...will not do more..."

Alliances come with obligations and responsibilities

These people want treats and privilege

Pet peeve for many. I think the uninitiated are confused by the word itself, which implies a formal designation that doesn’t exist. Being an ally is something you do rather than something you are, since no one can show up for every battle or be there for a person or a group in every situation. So I try to say “good ally” to make that distinction clear. For example, I may endeavor to be a good ally to other queer folks but I will not always succeed, and sometimes I will fail.

Glad you escaped that toxic environment. If you need a place to land or could use help finding local support hmu