the constant reminders of 'your friends will never consider you important as someone they're smashing privates (or hoping to) with', 'society won't consider you an adult until you get a partner', and 'some [a lot doomjak ] of people are nice just for sex' stuff that gets to me

and how all this means that basically every media has romance and sex--if it doesn't the fans will turn every platonic interaction into a sexualromantic thing because "people just don't [hug/cuddle/be a decent human being] unless they want sex or romance"

And even if there is sex or romance, fans will turn all the platonic relationships sexual anyway because "they have better chemistry" or "it's obvious Sam really wants to sex/romance Frodo; there's no other reason he'd go so far for him"

just, cri

[–] EelBolshevikism@hexbear.net 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

your friends will never consider you important as someone they're smashing privates (or hoping to) with

I mean, this sounds like you need more ace friends, but also people will have different priorities based on shared interests anyways, it’s just reaaaaallly obvious with sex because allonormativity inflates how often people talk about it and how important people see it as. Like if you have a friend you play Catan with every night you’re going to grow more attached to them than other friends, it seems relatively normal to me, though that doesn’t excuse allonormativity treating sex as more important than things like Catan.

Alternatively if this is coming from a place of allo people straight-up abandoning you in times of need (in favor of something trivial with their partners) than those sound like very shitty friends.

Sorry if this is invalidating, idk how to phrase my feelings or put together my thoughts in a encompassing way here. I want it to be comforting but as an allo person I’m also being kind-of defensive here and honestly I’m worried about that being a toxic behavior from me, I can delete this if it’s offensive/invalidating/unhelpful.

[–] ComradeRat@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Sorry if this is invalidating, idk how to phrase my feelings or put together my thoughts in a encompassing way here. I want it to be comforting but as an allo person I’m also being kind-of defensive here and honestly I’m worried about that being a toxic behavior from me

No worries comrade.

Your Catan comparison is spot on tbh. I'd only add that that allonormativity also says "it is more important to play catan with someone you are sexing with than a regular friend"

[–] EelBolshevikism@hexbear.net 2 points 1 year ago

I think that’s somewhat allonormativity, but also a big chunk of people who have intertwined sex/romance drives, so that specifically is kind of a clusterfuck

[–] TheSpectreOfGay@hexbear.net 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

yea, i get really brainwormy about my friends not caring about me enough as their romantic partners. doesn't help that every single fucking time a friend of mine gets a romantic partner they suddenly never want to spend any time with me anymore. cos it's totally normalized in society that you should prioritize romantic partners so heavily, ugh.

im ace but not aro, and i've stayed in toxic relationships for way too long just because of the fear of not being important to anyone if im not in a relationship doomer

[–] ComradeRat@hexbear.net 3 points 1 year ago

every single fucking time a friend of mine gets a romantic partner they suddenly never want to spend any time with me anymore. cos it's totally normalized in society that you should prioritize romantic partners so heavily

yea

Stay safe comrade, sucks out there sometimes ace-heart

[+] tactical_trans_karen@hexbear.net 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

[deleted]

[–] ComradeRat@hexbear.net 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

internalized assumptions about whether or not someone actually values you

Less assumption, more observation that sometimes some of my friends will disappear for indeterminate amounts of time because they've found partners then reappear when relationship ends

angry at a lot of other people about it. I'd encourage you to consider that these larger cultural dynamics are a lot like capitalism and other systems

I'd encourage you to consider that I'm angry at those larger systems and my post was about those larger systems. Just as when e.g. my grandmother says something racist I have anger both at her and the larger system.

as individuals we are near powerless to change them, and we'll die tired and angry if we spend our energies raging against them

I...don't? I made two hexbear comments when prompted by mention of kink at pride discourse.

If we want to see change in the larger social world, we need to join with organizations to do so

I...have? Was at a party meeting just last night

So for your own sanity, spend your efforts and energy on the things that are close to you that you can change, friends and family. Build your supportive circles so you can have some more enjoyment in your own personal life.

I...am? Again I made two hexbear comments complaining about the systemic normalisation of allosexual/romantic values, I'm not sure why you seem (sorry for assuming) to think this is consuming me constantly

[–] tactical_trans_karen@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

I'm sorry, I read way more tone into what you had written. I did get then impression that you were really distressed, and I was pretty tired when I posted. Please disregard my comment.