So I've been realizing more and more that I'm probably somewhere in the ND constellation/spectrum, and I've also been having more conflict in my long term relationship (1.5+ decades). It recently came to a head, and I felt like I had to set a boundary. This has not been received well at all.
It stems from something my partner said while we were arguing recently early in the day. I was on the defensive and trying to move away from blame (it's on both of us really) towards some direct action. "What do you want to do about it / blaming is not useful right now" kinda stuff. They kept the blame in focus and on me even after we decided on a course of action. Then in response to me making a claim about my efforts being somewhat in balance with theirs, they said something so contextually mean to me it basically scrambled the inside of my head. It both compared me to a person that they despise, but in doing so claimed the victim status for themselves. This essentially caused me to shutdown. Hearing them saying that was just too much.
There have been other moments recently when they have made unkind comments about me, but I usually just brush it off as frustration in a moment. It just seems to be more common as of late.
I've been the primary income supporting us for a large majority of our relationship, and it doesn't bother me normally because I hate capitalism. This has allowed my partner the freedom to pursue their interests while I hold down the full time gig and pay the bills. I'm happy for that! I help out in various ways besides money too. I get to be a small part of their creative endeavors when I have time and ability. We have grown together in these pursuits in a multitude of ways. I truly appreciate how we have been able to grow together over these years.
So it's really disappointing to me that they are not displaying any sign of real reconciliation. I have made my perspective very clear that this requires reconciliation, and they have literally laughed it off.
I want to be clear that I am not a type-A partner. I'm not very romantic, but I do savor life moments when I can. I just wonder if I'm being unreasonable, and should just forgive without requiring them to make some kind of apology. It seems almost outside their ability to see any of this from my perspective as they say I will be manipulating them with my words when they listen to me.
It's just so tiring to hold the line, but I also feel like I can't relinquish my self-respect in this particular instance.
Honestly, you should probably have a long sit down with your significant other and have a long exchange about how each of you feel about what's going on. Have a mutual understanding that it's not a fight and you wish to have a calm conversation about said events. Ultimately, if they're unaware of how they're making you feel, they can't make adjustments to bring the relationship back to good standing. Also, it seems unfair that it seems you're being resentful towards them for not being a breadwinner when it seems that you've allowed it throughout the years. If that's what you said was okay and it really isn't, that's on you.
On a side note, I didn't realize that egg cracking was vernacular used by the ND community. That's rather interesting. I also have no idea what a type-A partner is, so sorry if I stepped on feet somewhere.
They didn’t really say that. They implied that that fact combined with their partner’s actions have led to some resent (i.e. feeling unappreciated), but otherwise they are very much happy to be the money maker.
I'm aware, but it ultimately still comes out to being unfair at the end of the day. Changing the rules mid-game in turn is not how to run a successful relationship, regardless of what the other individual is doing. It's just going to breed more animosity between the two of them if not reined in.
EDIT: I'm losing my mind as ADHD brain is causing me to half-ass everything today. It seems implied as it's being mentioned in the first place along with the connotations at hand. If animosity didn't exist in some way, shape, or form, I don't think it would've been mentioned at all. Sure, that may be a stretch, but I don't see the point of mentioning it at all.