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As someone hosting a service like this, especially when it has 12K people in it, this is very scary! While 2 lemmy core developers were in the chat, the help they provided was very limited overall and this session mostly relied on my own skills to troubleshoot.

This reinforced in my mind that as much as I like the idea of lemmy (or any of the other threadiverse SW), this is only something experts should try hosting. Sadly, this will lead to more centralization of the lemmy community to few big servers instead of many small ones, but given the nature of problems one can encounter and the lack of support to fix them if they’re not experts, I don’t see an option.

I disagree with this conclusion. If you had installed Lemmy according to the official instructions, you would have the database, backend and everything else on the same server and would never have run into this particular issue. And any problems youd have would likely be noticed (and debugged) by many other instances too. Your setup is heavily customized so it is only natural that there are few people who can help with it.

Anyway its an interesting journey, thanks for writing down your experience and for improving the documenation!