chat

• The state of my life
• The state of the world

I'm beginning more and more to operate under the assumption that I'm, very soon, gonna be without a home. After going through such trouble with getting acquainted with myself in terms of my employment and income, it's not mattering as much. My rent is due on the 1st, and I'm not gonna make it. The thought of being homeless and left to rot on the streets is more distressing than being six feet under even, and that, to me, is a condition that cannot help me see this society as anything but dystopian.

As a possible solution, I thought of asking my uncle in South Africa for financial support, even if it's as a loan. I haven't talked to him in a little bit. The last time I spoke with him was later in 2023, around Christmas time. My main fear is that he keeps close contact with my grandparents, his parents, whom I cut out of my life due to them holding rampant transphobic views on the basis of their staunch Catholic faith. After years and years of being out and trying to communicate with them, they never progressed to giving me even an iota respect for me being trans, and that's because they never wanted to. They're already convinced of their premise that accepting me being trans would be tantamount to accepting me being a heroin addict; to them, it's inherently bad and must be pushed against and fervently opposed no matter how much I'm refusing to yield to their opposition to it. The problem with that equivalence is that... I'm not doing heroin. I'm trying to be myself, and they could never support me through it, so I cut them out of my life and have no regrets there.

The thing is that, even though he remains a practicing Catholic, my uncle isn't transphobic. He's very accepting of me for who I am, and he even took me to a progressive Catholic church he was able to locate when we visited San Francisco one time. Even though I'm an atheist now, I don't take experiences like that in vain. I really appreciate the support he's been able to give me, but despite the discrepancy he and my grandparents may have on the matter of me being trans, my uncle, as a cishet man, seems to have an "appeal-to-moderation" approach about handling the "beef" that my grandparents and I have. That's not him being bad faith obviously; it's just him being ignorant. He effectively thinks that, despite it being entirely incompatible and unfeasible, I should give my grandparents room in my life even though they are vehemently transphobic.

That's why, even in the instance of just asking him about some personal financial relief, I'm afraid he would alert my grandparents who live in the same city as me, and they'd try to get in contact with me, and it'll be a very ugly interaction.

Besides that, I had a friend spread the word to raise some funds to get me out of this predicament, but sadly, it hasn't gone far enough, and with my rent payment needing to be made within the next 5 days, I'm scared, I'm frightened, I'm horrified, and I don't feel like there's any saving grace here.

It's particularly upsetting to me that I was going to end my life in relation to these circumstances roughly two weeks ago, but I decided to carry on under the assumption that I can break out of it. Jobs are responding to me, and I'm likely to get hired very soon. The happiness pertaining to potentially receiving employment can, in no way, counter the despair I have about potential homelessness.

On top of that, I'm really inconceivably disgusted by the fact that, in reading some online comments about the recent murder of indigenous non-binary student, Nex Benedict, there are some vile and awful transphobes who are so convicted in opposing "woke gender ideology", that they are celebrating and victim blaming Nex for being killed, hence me mentioning that "the state of the world" is also lowering me a lot. I'm extremely emotional, and just seeing that was enough to make me cry and really kick and scream. Even as I'm typing this, my tears are flowing again, and I'm just... not in it.

There are a lot of emotions I have right now. They're almost entirely negative, and the feeling of uncertainty with a lean towards that this situation will be the end of me truly makes these words all I can put out. There's nothing else I can do.

My life is about to come to an early end, and it's because of right-wing ideology leaving me at such a strong point of socioeconomic oppression, that I have no one to support me in my personal life or in terms of authorities even.

To provide some clarity, this isn't me saying that I'm planning to end my life through suicide, but I sure as hell believe I will die due to some other circumstances very soon.

You all be well.

~ Angel