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The chronic pain (and related physical conditions) I experience are wearing on my self image (CW: hating my chronic pain & related physical conditions) (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 years ago by ashinadash@hexbear.net to c/chat@hexbear.net

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It's pretty annoying because I've put a lot of brainwork into not only hating, but actively loving my physical form. Dysphoria ain't shit, I love my flesh vehicle. I don't even wanna shed the flesh and become the machine, that much, having gooey flesh and blood is rad.

Except oh, I forgot, there's this weird bone deformity in my chest that seems to be draining all the stamina and energy from me at increasing speeds. Oh, my body no longer does what I tell it to because it reacts with pain at any upper body exertion at all. Oh, my body feels broken and dysfunctional and a barely working construction of frail bones with skin thrown over.

It's fucking tiring mentally, I made myself this wonderful body the way I like it, and now it's falling apart and wasting away because something that's been wrong with my chest cavity since puberty has finally gone the rest of the way wrong. I sure wish the doctors I'd seen repeatedly had done something about it instead of brushing me off! I didn't even get much time to be a healthy adult, pretty much as soon as I was 18 or 19 I started feeling the hurt.

How do you keep your self image from getting rekt by having chronic pain & physical disabilities? I feel malformed and broken which I really powerfully hate. Exhausting...

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[–] jared@mander.xyz 6 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I could give you a million little things i do to just keep moving forward every day, but I think the most important thing is forcing myself to be positive. The chronic pain sub was always a good reminder that we're not alone in this and someone is always worse off but they keep going. I hope you can find some relief, and i hope i can get some sleep 🤞

[–] ashinadash@hexbear.net 4 points 2 years ago

I like me some forced positivity, that's a big part of how I improved my self image to start with. I feel like the difference is, with regards to body image, whatever physical characteristic I didn't like about myself likely wasn't disadvantageous to me insofar as my daily life. Whereas this is like, I sure am physically dysfunctional and incapable of moving! Broken!

I'm about to pop a melatonin myself lol, hope you can get some sleep.