Tagging nsfw just in case.

I'm full boymode, haven't started hrt though I've known I'm trans for a few years now. I think things are getting worse mentally because some dark thoughts keep coming up.

I've been hitting a rough spot in my relationship and I think it stems from me repressing irl (i work with very conservative people and my dad) plus never telling my girlfriend the situation. I disassociate a lot and I seek escapism in things that let me be female. As a result though I end up ignoring my relationship a bit (we live together) and my girlfriend feels neglected. (rightfully so i think)

After a lengthy argument/conversation that started because she feels I'm hiding things from her (i guess i am huh) she basically asked what I'm going to do from now on as she's tired of asking me to give her attention and I told her I'd make a conscious effort to improve. Though that did not help the situation as it was the same answer I gave her last time. i feel like a piece of shit/asshole because of this

I love her very much and I'm very afraid of losing her as she's straight. She has, however, said in the past that she'd be okay with dating someone that transitions during a relationship (which i found a bit suspicious as it made me think she'd seen something over my shoulder on my phone).

I kind of feel that I have to come out to her to help her understand why I'm always absent in my own life and in our relationship, and maybe it might help me be more present if she understands that I don't want to be perceived as a man.

writing this out kind of helped me come to my own conclusion i guess but i still kinda want to hear other opinions idk