this post was submitted on 24 Sep 2023
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Asklemmy
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I've done a lot of thinking about how people use and fail at dating apps. I joke I should write a book about how to do better (and not in a gross pick up artist way)
So I'm mildly curious about your experiences, but you don't owe me a biography. Hope you find happiness!
I mainly used Hinge and Bumble. Fully fleshed out, verified profiles on both of them, clearly describing what I was after (ie, after a serious relationship, looking for a child-free vegan partner etc). Had premium subscription on both of them too, for more filter options and chances of getting matched. I also followed the golden rule of only swiping right on someone who actually matched my interests, and someone I could see myself having a relationship with (so no swiping on Instagram models and obvious catfishers).
I did get matches, but ALL the chats went nowhere. They all start off well, we make some small talks and the chats frizzle off over time or they ghost you.
I was doing this religiously for several months, spending at least an hour or two each day, going thru all the profiles, reading all their bios, searching again with different filters in case my strict filters missed someone etc. And after months of doing this, I burnt out. I didn't manage to land a single meetup, never mind actually having a date. It made me very depressed and my self esteem took a big blow, it made me wonder whether it was really worth wasting so much time on this, only to end up getting depressed. So I binned the whole idea of actively looking for someone, and thought I'd be best to leave it up to fate, and decided to just go back and focus on my career and hobbies instead.
It's been over six months now since I've been away from the dating game and mentally I'm doing so much better. I've got a new job which is going well too, I've been hitting my goal of 10,000 steps a day and have pretty much sorted out all my diet/nutrition bits where I was lacking a bit previously, plus I'm enjoying the new Cyberpunk 2077 update on my PS5 which has finally lived up to its hype, so, life is good and I can't really complain. I've accepted that not all people can have everything, so I've moved on. In saying that, I would be lying if I didn't feel jealous seeing people with partners or when I see threads like these, but I guess I just have to not dwell on it, and move on with my life.
I feel like it's just something that takes a long time, the disparity between women to men automatically puts guys at a disadvantage. Plus there's tons of people who are on these sites, but not actually looking for a relationship.. they just want to flirt a bit and never actually meet. It can absolutely crush your soul, so being content with the rest of your life is important. It's really easy to believe there's something wrong with you, even though there really isn't.
I've had a similar experience with online dating - chatting with people, then went on multiple dates where it became obvious they didn't actually want a relationship (although I was quite open about the fact that I did) or they were just not a good match for me. I agree with a comment higher as well about the 'spark' thing as I was realising I just wasn't feeling that with any of them. I've had people say before that they were just on them for validation rather than having any intent on dating.
That said, I actually deleted Hinge about a month ago as I was just kinda sick of it and one of the people I'd been on a date with prior (who I actually did have a spark for but the date was just a bit odd as we hadn't quite 'clicked' with our interaction styles yet and I suck at actually flirting) wanted to catch up again. We've been dating exclusively for over a month now.
I'll agree with your comment about the disparity as we joked about our online dating experiences - she'd been on some 20-30 dates and in even more conversations with guys after being on it for 4 weeks. I had been on 5 dates and 12-odd chats in 6 months and a lot of those chats just ended up going nowhere when you ask engaging questions and get either absolutely nothing or single word replies.
Glad to hear it worked out for you, that's awesome!