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As recently as this morning I was wishing that I could shoot my brains out because I still obsess over how I disgraced myself in public nearly one year ago, and months earlier when I told a couple of friends about this they did basically absolutely nothing to help. Dwelling on their interactions has only made me want to stay away from them, so I haven’t talked to anybody on Discord in almost one month. I’m lonely, but I feel like if I try reinteracting with them, they’ll only disappoint me again, so it’s better to stay alone.

There are still a few things that prevent me from taking my life: 1) I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty, 2) I have enough reasonability to recognize that I’ll feel less suicidal later, 3) my medications help me somewhat, and 4) I have a feeling that even if I really tried to kill myself I’d only fuck up again, like the bullet would only incapacitate me mentally without killing me. Usually when I try something for the first time, something goes wrong, so that would be pretty typical.

My standard of living isn’t even particularly awful. It’s okay, but the trade‐off is that I have to live with a severe depression that stays with me like cancer.