this post was submitted on 30 Aug 2023
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As recently as this morning I was wishing that I could shoot my brains out because I still obsess over how I disgraced myself in public nearly one year ago, and months earlier when I told a couple of friends about this they did basically absolutely nothing to help. Dwelling on their interactions has only made me want to stay away from them, so I haven’t talked to anybody on Discord in almost one month. I’m lonely, but I feel like if I try reinteracting with them, they’ll only disappoint me again, so it’s better to stay alone.
There are still a few things that prevent me from taking my life: 1) I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty, 2) I have enough reasonability to recognize that I’ll feel less suicidal later, 3) my medications help me somewhat, and 4) I have a feeling that even if I really tried to kill myself I’d only fuck up again, like the bullet would only incapacitate me mentally without killing me. Usually when I try something for the first time, something goes wrong, so that would be pretty typical.
My standard of living isn’t even particularly awful. It’s okay, but the trade‐off is that I have to live with a severe depression that stays with me like cancer.
Comrade, I think you could really benefit from therapy. Many of the things you are saying are reminiscent of similar thoughts and feelings I've had a habit of getting stuck in throughout my entire life. It's a numbers game to find a good therapist without even approaching the problem of insurance and access to therapy, but the single most effective thing I've done.
Being able to talk through the struggles and contradictions in your mind is one of the first steps to reprogramming how you think about yourself. Identifying the source of negative ruminations is tough to effectively do on your own. Cognitive behavioral therapy is good, but you know what's even better? Dialectical behavioral therapy. ;)
If you don't have access to traditional therapy, finding a therapy group/community to join may be an effective and free alternative, such as Al-Anon. You sound like you feel alienated from those around you, but also from yourself. Community is part of the answer to this. It's tough to open yourself back up, but it's worth it. Take that risk to reach back out to people, reprogram your mind to treat yourself with love and kindness, and you will someday look back and be thankful toward yourself for those efforts. Would you be comfortable treating others in your life the way you abuse yourself within your own mind? I suspect not. You deserve love from external sources, but also yourself.
As an aside, even if you feel like your posts in capitalisminddecay are inconsequential, I can tell you they have been one of the most informative and fascinating parts of my experience on Lemmygrad. Keep up the good work. As hard as it can be in those moments, I find it comforting to know that at my lowest points the only way to go is up. Life will improve. It's a journey filled with challenges and while each person has their own destination, travelling with company, with a community you build around you, makes that journey much more enjoyable.