(Sugarland, Texas) A ruling Monday upheld the US military’s claim that their “Drone from Home” program - where civilians pilot military drones and hunt Iranian citizens - is both within the bounds of US federal law, and that the pilots are independent contractors, settling a separate claim by activist participants in the program that they should receive rank, benefits, and other perks “for their contribution to the war effort.”
“Naturally we felt the courts would side with us,” said council for the government. “We already use civilian contractors for a lot of missions in foreign areas of interest. It’s a small step from paying these contractors for work in these areas, to allowing civilians to pay a fee to pilot drone aircraft for us, and for them to receive the thrill of helping the US government fulfill its mission, whatever the president says that mission is each day.”
The program, originally a recruiting tool allowing future enlisted - already signed but awaiting boot camp - to perform missions, has expanded into a $30 million per year profit center for the military. Anyone who can afford the $1,000 fee and present at least credible evidence of US citizenship, can take control of a US military drone for 4 hours. “The kids really love it,” said one recruiter. “We’d let them try a demo, and then tell them we had the real thing if they signed the papers. Our recruiting numbers were maxed for months until they opened up general play.”
Opponents of the program cite the poor security of the program, as well as the questionable legality of hunting other humans with robots, as reasons the program should be shut down. “We’ve already seen cases of children spending thousands of dollars on Roblox,” said one advocate. “What if your husband got your credit card and did the same thing?”
But not all Americans feel the program lacks merit. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Kansas, echos many Americans by saying “tell me what you want for $1,000. I don’t have a lot of limits, I need to get back in there.”
The citizens of Iran declined to leave cover to comment.
I ate it, no lie.