This reminds me of what it felt like trying to connect with partners before I realized I was trans. Something was wrong, I always felt disconnected from myself in a way that made fulfilling sex elusive at best, and it had a major negative impact on my relationships. I could never quite figure out what was wrong, and nothing I tried really helped. I think I was literally in this position at some point... In some ways my male presenting body was like armor that protected the real me, but it also hurt me deeply because it kept my real self hidden from the people I loved most. In those moments of vulnerability I felt... this I guess. Desperately clinging to the facade to hide how deep my pain was, while desperate to be seen for who I really was, and not really understanding what these feelings were.