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Obsessive monogamy is usually super fucking toxic, and "cheating" is way less of a betrayal than a dozen other things people put up with in relationships.
People will literally throw away years or even decades of stability and companionship over a single moment of weakness, like some weird sexual martyrdom, but they'll turn themselves in circles to forgive actual ongoing abuse.
And to be clear I have never cheated on anyone, though I have been the third person. This is just a general observation from my many years in the game.
For many people, the foundational promise in a relationship is being monogamous. If you betray the foundational promise to your partner, that shows they don't give a shit about everything that's built on that foundation.
You foundational promise could be "Brush your teeth every morning" and it would be no different.
Polyamory isn’t much better ime
Cheating still exists in polyamory, and you still get the same toxic bullshit as monogamy except now you have the added bonus of shaky accountability because “well you knew we were poly” …
Most people don’t do the groundwork to be able to hold a healthy and stable poly system and end up doing a lot of damage in the name of “enjoying themselves”.
Toxic people will be toxic regardless of relational preferences, but I think polyamory allows self absorbed and abusive people the shield of “you agreed to this” when in reality, they’re often looking for loopholes in boundaries or miscommunicating / twisting communicated hard limits or emotional boundaries to fit their actions.
Poly folk love to act all high and mighty like having more than one partner makes you inherently greater than mono folk when really it’s just preference for different styles of love.
I say this as someone who is actively practicing polyamory. Not all assholes are chefs, but any asshole can be a chef.
Yeah the big thing people miss is that every relationship, mono or poly, needs to be built on a foundation of open, honest and empathetic communication. Poly relationships just have more options for solving certain problems, but the solutions it provides are not ideal for everyone.
There is a South Indian film that takes on this idea.
Two nearly century year grandparents have fallen into a routine of elderly living, taking care of each other with some help from the kids.
One day the grandfather finds a love letter from another man addressed to his wife from over 50 years ago. He is livid and wants a divorce despite their near 75 year relationship.
The family largely tries to dissuade him but he is determined to pursue divorce. His wife largely remains silent throughout all of this.
Ultimately a daughter who the grandfather has estranged for going on her own path returns and the context of the grandmother's affair is revealed.
The grandfather was a flawed character with an inflexible patriarchal view on family dynamics (a fairly global norm in the 1950s and 60s). He has shown growth into a more egalitarian mindset since then.
However, when they prematurely lose their eldest son to a drowning accident, he struggles to cope. He turns to alcohol and while being lost in the bottle his wife (the grandmother, who is also mourning) has to find a way to keep the family together, raise the kids, manage the household entirely on her own.
It was during this period that the affair occurs. A man in the community offers the grandma emotional support while the grandfather is trying to drink his grief away, detached entirely from his family in any meaningful way.
When the grandfather comes to know that it occurred during a period of life that he has come to regret, he forgives her, as she forgives him for his detachment while grieving the loss of their son. Having reconciled they die peacefully together in their sleep.
I completely agree with you that obsessive monogamy is toxic. I think if someone is cheating "casually" in a mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship then that is a red line and disrespectful. However, real life can get pretty complicated and no one should be entering a relationship expecting to exert absolute control over their partners body / intimacy. That is incredibly toxic
Valid!