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I have regrettably made suicidal gestures in my life or even been so distressed that I have impulsively wanted to do things like crash my car full speed into a telephone pole.
But a particular thing happened a few months ago...not really related to my life...rather a podcast I found and began listening to. Something clicked in my brain and I am now absolutely fucking terrifying of death. I really really don't want to fucking not exist anymore and I know that it is inescapable. I started looking around at others in the background of my daily life like...
"What the fuck are we even doing here? Doesn't everyone realize that we are all going to die? Doesn't everyone realize that they will just cease to exist one day? I don't want to die. Everything we are going right now is pointless and a waste of time. Why is everyone on the planet not all scrambling to figure out how to not cease to exist forever?"
I can't stop thinking about it, really. It's terrifying.
Please don't reply to me with copium about how you love that you're going to become dirt because it's part of the earth or some shit. I'm not interested and it doesn't work on me.
But I think I kind of get you, OP.