Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.
That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
Reactions like yours create the very situation you're so upset about.
Being gay isn't easy. Having kids is harder, because of homophobia. Holding hands and kissing your partner is harder because of homophobia. Getting married is harder/limited/impossible depending on where you are, because of homophobia. Coming out as gay can cut you off from your friends and your family, because of homophobia. Even learning to understand that you're gay is hard, because there is massive amount of pressure to not be gay, and realising that you are can often by a process of overcoming that pressure, layer by layer.
Before you have accepted yourself, you often can't talk about it with your partner, because you don't know how they're going to react. You risk losing your partner and turning your life upside down for a part of yourself that at the time, you aren't even certain is real. Of course, if society wasn't so shitty to queer folk, this wouldn't be an issue, because self acceptance would have come earlier and younger, but society is shitty, so it comes later and slower
And then when you do come to understand your sexuality, all of the other shit I mentioned becomes 10x more relevant. So then you start to think things exactly like you said somewhere else in this discussion, "I can be gay and never have sex with a man/woman". Why throw your whole life away, and upset the person you love, when you could just suck it up and pretend that you're not gay? And that lasts for a while, but it isn't sustainable. Eventually, you realise that you're making yourself and your partner unhappy anyway, that lying to yourself isn't solving anything.
So then you come out, you rip the rug out and just hope that everything doesn't turn to shit...
If society was less shit to queer folk, none of this would happen. But society is shit to queer folk and creates these very situations, whilst then blaming the victims of the bullshit for "not being honest".
If you're sincere, you'll dwell on these words a little. But I doubt you will. More likely, you'll dismiss them, come back with a response validating how it really is her fault, and validating rage as a response. Because your issue likely isn't really to do with her "hiding" the fact she was gay but rather, with the fact that she's gay at all.
oh right, because i think people being dishonest in relationships is bad and malicious... i'm homophobic! clearly, if i just stopped hating gay people, i'd be totally comfortable with people lying to other people in a marriage and see nothing wrong with it or any reason for it to make anyone angry. next time i meet someone who tells me their ex cheated on them and they are angry about it, i'll be sure to lecture them how it's clearly their latent homophobia that is what is going on, not their sense of human dignitar and respect.
am i also homophobic if i think cheating is wrong too? do the pressures of 'society' force cheaters to cheat too or something?
i mean i get it. the idea of accountability and responsibility is very offensive to many people. because it implies they are 'at fault' for the crappy things they themselves have done in life, rather than blameless victims of circumstance of a 'society' that forced them to lie, cheat, and manipulate other people for their own personal ends. just like 'society' forces people to DUI, right?
Yet I notice you take no accountability yourself...
really, what have i done that demands i account for it? have i lied to you personally or something? are we in a relationship? I wasn't aware.
Your behaviour in this thread, assuming it's representative of your thoughts and opinions when you interact with people offline too, is partly responsible for creating the situation that forces LGBTQ to suppress and hide themselves, that makes it difficult if not impossible for them to avoid the situations like the OP described in this thread.
That's something you could own and you could change.
But you don't, you instead blame the people who are impacted by folk like yourself, without looking at your own actions as part of the cycle.