Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.
That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
I'd be totally outraged if I was you. She dated/married you under false pretenses. It is totally her fault.
You deserve to be happy to. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for hers? I'm guessing maybe that's what you have been doing all along and that's why she 'chose you'. I'd feel incredibly used, and frankly, abused.
Well, good thing he's a better and more mature person than you
self-respect is immature?
Being a completely inconsiderate cunt is not self-respect.
It's understandable to be unhappy/frustrated at the situation, but completely vilifying her is indeed immature. Shit happens, people change. It's not like she planned all this.
it is actually not. she is not his wife, it is not his business.
True. I meant that it would be ok for OP to be unhappy/frustrated, not this commenter.
Being angry with people for hurting you and lying to you is vilifying them? Sorry, are you suppose to what, be happy they did it?
Shit does happen. That doesn't mean people are blameless for their actions. When a DUI driver kills or hurts someone, do you think they planned it? Of course not. But we still hold them accountable for the harm they caused, and the victims of their actions should be angry.
OP's wife knew she was struggle with her identity, and went into this marriage full bore. She knew what she was doing. Maybe OP is partially at fault for accepting that into his life, as well, but that assumes she was totally honest with him from the start, which she may not have been. As he says 'not the full extent', as in she downplayed or mislead him.
Then she further piles it on, as if this relationship was her 'last chance' to be straight. I wonder how OP would have felt if she told him that before they got married? By his account, her intent was to be deceptive and dishonest about her sexuality, perhaps to them both.
no, "me, me, me" is immature. that is literally toddler's level of development.
his wife's actions are entirely 'me me me'.
at what point did she ever respectful consider his feelings when she agreed to date him as bisexual? and then marry him? she didn't. she only considered hers.
go back to your cave.
right, you're the mature one, slinging random insults on the internet at strangers because they said words that made you uncomfortable. or they articulate a POV you haven't considered that challenges your sentimentality or sexist assumptions.
the height of emotional maturity, that.
you didn't make me uncomfortable, i just think you are immature clown. you are the one made uncomfortable and having meltdown because of someone else's wife who is definitely none of your business.
dude, you're the one having the meltdown and slinging insults. i'm sorry my expression of sympathy upset you so much, but maybe you should work on yourself and your inability to tolerate other people's anger at abusive behaviours.
nice cognitive dissonance you have there
you're just repeatedly calling me names, because i made you upset.
is that something mature people do? or children?
What’s the point of impotent rage? At this point you can’t argue someone into owing you recompense of happiness. OP has a right to be hurt, but anger is pointless and only leads to depression.
there isn't a point to feelings. but it's better to just express them and get them out than bottle them up.
denying feelings fucks you up and leads you to do messed up abusive stuff. Like OP's wife denying her feelings about her homosexuality and leading to this.
I can be gay and never have sex with a man. That's fine. But if I feel that way and I lie about it and date a woman claiming I'm not gay, that's messed up. I'm lying, and denying and hurting someone else in the process. And that is entirely my fault. She would not be to blame at all, she'd be a victim of my lack of honesty about my own sexuality.
Sounds like you are expressing YOUR feelings about this, and the OP is experiencing his, and you sound upset that his feelings don't match what you think they should be.
In short, you sound immature on a few levels
keep calling me names. clearly what is aid is very upsetting to you and you feel the need to attack me for it... maybe because the issue is your inability to accept someone else is different than you and has a different prospective and that makes you upset for some reason?
I'm not upset with OP. I'm empathizing and wondering if their perspective on this situation is emotionally healthy, since they seem to value themselves so little and value their partner so much. Self-sacrifice isn't a path to happiness or security in a relationship, it's an attitude that sets you up to be exploited and abused.
If that comment makes you feel "attacked" then bruh I don't know what to tell ya
calling someone names is attacking them personally.
Ok tabulartittyfrog I suppose you have been deeply attacked
Hurt is understandable. Outrage assumes malice.
Struggling to discover who you are isn’t the same as using someone. Most people commit to things before they fully know themselves. Pretending otherwise just turns human growth into a crime.
outrage is outrage, it assumes nothing. it's a feeling, it's not a argument or statement.
using someone to discover who you are is using them. Deny it and reframe it all you want, that's just the fact of the matter. they were not casually dating, they are married.
maybe for you commitments are meaningless and fickle, for many people they certainly are. but trying to pretend this is NBD, no harm, no foul, is just so bizarre and unhealthy.
So then outrage can be irrational. And when directed at someone, it becomes hostile. As rational people, we can parse and understand the outrage and turn it into something healthy, instead of caustic.
"Using" someone only has negative connotations to you because that's what you've ascribed to the term. But relationships are literally two people using each other, constantly. For love, support, stability, understanding, and yes, to find ourselves. When you enter into a relationship with someone, they become a reflection of you, and this reflection helps define who you are.
We are constantly, relentlessly finding ourselves, and we use everything and everyone around us in the process. This is so normal and widespread a process that I'd consider it a default human behavior. "I think I'm bi, but I might be gay, but I definitely love you" is just...something that someone can go through, and I genuinely can't think of a better way to parse that situation than to take a leap of faith into the arms of the person you love. Had she not discovered she was gay, it'd be a heartwarming story about finding love through uncertainty. But that's not how it played out, which is unfortunate for both parties. However, outrage would only serve to scar you both in that situation, instead of come away with a better understanding of how someone becomes who they are. No one's saying you can't be upset, but imo it's wiser to temper your emotions into something that deepens you into a more caring and understanding human. That is the harder choice to make, but it's also more mature than blind reaction.
you seem to be claiming outrage shouldn't exist.
i think using people is negative, yes. I'm Kantian.
That explains your dug-in heels and disregard for emotional intelligence.
Outrage exists as a signal that can guide us. It is not an imperative to mete out harm merely at its existence.
If using people is a negative, never ask another soul for a favor again. Never work for another person. Never pursue a relationship. Never ask for help. Never respond to a plea for help. You are alone and no one is here for you, nor are you here for anyone else. To cooperate is to use and be used. Therefore, you should reject cooperation.
right, i'm emotionally unintelligent if i think dishonestly is bad. if only i was a moral relativist, i'd be so intelligent.
you are twisting words now. according to you when i go to the grocery store i am 'using' the cashier. I'm not. using people is when you manipulate them for your own ends. when the grocery store manager emotionally abuses the employee to get them to work overtime wthout extra pay, that is using them.
But in your weird world view the manager is just 'emotionally intelligent' right?
Using people is using people. Change the definition all you like, but you're limiting yourself on purpose.
Listen man, your feelings don't require a villain. You make a conscious choice to infect your mind with ill will, and that's your prerogative. I can only say I'm glad the OP is the one dealing with this, and not you. They're handling things with an admirable amount of grace, and you'd handle it with less than admirable amount of animosity. Good luck with your life. I hope you don't hurt anyone.
I believe in the notion of accountability. Which I understand is 'hostile' and 'villainous' to those who think the notion is wrong and bad, because they think nobody is responsible for their own actions. That it's 'society' that forces them to deceptive and abuse. Lots of people think the abusive/cheating partner is the 'hero' of the story. I don't agree with them. I think the person who was hurt is the hero.
You have a warped view of the world. That's a you problem. Go be outraged somewhere else.
My view is warped because I believe people are responsible for their actions?
I mean, it's not the first time I've been told this. But I live in a very progressive city where people get very offended at the notion anyone is personally responsible for their own choices at all. Maybe you live here too.
Yep, that's exactly what it is. There isn't a reasonable perspective held by anyone else. Only you. You are so virtuous and kind, and we are all heathens before you.
I'm not engaging anymore.
I never said any of that. I also never villianized OP's wife. Lots of people share my viewpoint, but they are unlikely to be on lemmy where the default is a lot of relativism and far leftism and a banning of anyone who has non-extreme views. I think marriage is sacred and serious, but I'm clearly warped. I know for some people marriage is not a big deal and there is no difference between it and dating casually.
You keep putting words in my mouth and blaming me for them. Projection is a hell of a drug. But this is the internet, what you read from my comments is not so much the words so much as the fiction you are writing in your head about a stranger.
👍
Reactions like yours create the very situation you're so upset about.
Being gay isn't easy. Having kids is harder, because of homophobia. Holding hands and kissing your partner is harder because of homophobia. Getting married is harder/limited/impossible depending on where you are, because of homophobia. Coming out as gay can cut you off from your friends and your family, because of homophobia. Even learning to understand that you're gay is hard, because there is massive amount of pressure to not be gay, and realising that you are can often by a process of overcoming that pressure, layer by layer.
Before you have accepted yourself, you often can't talk about it with your partner, because you don't know how they're going to react. You risk losing your partner and turning your life upside down for a part of yourself that at the time, you aren't even certain is real. Of course, if society wasn't so shitty to queer folk, this wouldn't be an issue, because self acceptance would have come earlier and younger, but society is shitty, so it comes later and slower
And then when you do come to understand your sexuality, all of the other shit I mentioned becomes 10x more relevant. So then you start to think things exactly like you said somewhere else in this discussion, "I can be gay and never have sex with a man/woman". Why throw your whole life away, and upset the person you love, when you could just suck it up and pretend that you're not gay? And that lasts for a while, but it isn't sustainable. Eventually, you realise that you're making yourself and your partner unhappy anyway, that lying to yourself isn't solving anything.
So then you come out, you rip the rug out and just hope that everything doesn't turn to shit...
If society was less shit to queer folk, none of this would happen. But society is shit to queer folk and creates these very situations, whilst then blaming the victims of the bullshit for "not being honest".
If you're sincere, you'll dwell on these words a little. But I doubt you will. More likely, you'll dismiss them, come back with a response validating how it really is her fault, and validating rage as a response. Because your issue likely isn't really to do with her "hiding" the fact she was gay but rather, with the fact that she's gay at all.
oh right, because i think people being dishonest in relationships is bad and malicious... i'm homophobic! clearly, if i just stopped hating gay people, i'd be totally comfortable with people lying to other people in a marriage and see nothing wrong with it or any reason for it to make anyone angry. next time i meet someone who tells me their ex cheated on them and they are angry about it, i'll be sure to lecture them how it's clearly their latent homophobia that is what is going on, not their sense of human dignitar and respect.
am i also homophobic if i think cheating is wrong too? do the pressures of 'society' force cheaters to cheat too or something?
i mean i get it. the idea of accountability and responsibility is very offensive to many people. because it implies they are 'at fault' for the crappy things they themselves have done in life, rather than blameless victims of circumstance of a 'society' that forced them to lie, cheat, and manipulate other people for their own personal ends. just like 'society' forces people to DUI, right?
Yet I notice you take no accountability yourself...
really, what have i done that demands i account for it? have i lied to you personally or something? are we in a relationship? I wasn't aware.
Your behaviour in this thread, assuming it's representative of your thoughts and opinions when you interact with people offline too, is partly responsible for creating the situation that forces LGBTQ to suppress and hide themselves, that makes it difficult if not impossible for them to avoid the situations like the OP described in this thread.
That's something you could own and you could change.
But you don't, you instead blame the people who are impacted by folk like yourself, without looking at your own actions as part of the cycle.