WASHINGTON—Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met with extreme caution,” said DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, who stressed that the women on the list were known caregivers operating inside the United States and cited intelligence gathered by the Department of Justice, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and local Parent Teacher Associations. “If you see a minivan with a ‘Baby on board’ sticker, do not engage—many of these women are armed with juice boxes and will not hesitate to use a wet wipe on your face. Maintain a safe distance from any compact SUVs playing Bluey on their entertainment systems. The DOJ has opened an anonymous tip line for reporting any sightings of a car seat in your area.” Noem also warned the public to avoid locations where the exceedingly nurturing individuals were known to congregate, like the school pickup line around 3 p.m.
Damn, I ate it!