Casual Conversation

In a weird place. I have had to figure myself out and grow a lot emotionally and interpersonally because dealing with mental illness demanded it, but I stalled out pretty much entirely on all the functional independent person stuff.

I haven't had a job in like 3 years and I usually try not to think about it cause it makes me feel shitty and ashamed. And I keep telling myself I'm working at it, but I'm not entirely sure I am. Pre-covid I was making so much progress on mental health stuff but when the world shut down I kinda had to stop a lot of the things that I was growing by doing, and I lost access my therapist through dumb administrative issues at the hospital system where I was seeing him. And most of all, I lost the headspace I was in where I was trying to fix my problems instead of staying mired in self pitty and insecurity about whether I try hard enough.

I finally have a therapist again as of like a month ago, but I dont know how to find that place mentally where I'm motivated and invested in my own growth again. I'm hoping to talk about it next session.

I'm kinda terrified for my future. My sleep disorder is really hard to live with and its not easy to cope with the isolation and lack of sunlight it brings most of the time. Lately I've temporarily been on a daytime schedule (instead of nocturnal) which has made things easier, but its already fading and I know things will get much worse again once I can't see people and loose access to sunlight.

There are reports it can devlolve into a worse condition that would keep me from ever holding a normal job. I dont know how likely that is. Part of me feels it's a really significant risk and it really scares me. Part of me feels I'm telling myself that out of self pitty and an insecure need to internally legitimize the disability I struggle to manage. I can't find a sleep doctor knowledgeable enough about my area of issue to help given my disorder is complicated by a bunch of other health and mental health issues. The search is ongoing.

I'm a weird mix of tired and burnt out, and wanting to be hopefull maybe I'm finally figuring some things out. But I'm not sure if I am. I keep feeling like I'm just around the corner from the final big milestone of having a job and then it just never comes, I get derailed, life gets in the way, and I stay stuck in my own dysfunction.

But at least I learned how to change my oil yesterday. I'm pretty proud of myself for that; many thanks to my brother for helping me through the process and letting me do it all myself so I can remember. And now I have notes for next time.