this post was submitted on 13 Dec 2025
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Mental Health

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After a year of private psychotherapy, I'm considering taking a break. (programming.dev)
submitted 5 days ago by emotional_soup_88@programming.dev to c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
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37, male.

I live in Europe, born and raised here too. Never really felt genuine joy or purpose in life until I moved to Japan, where I immersed myself in the language and culture. I moved back to Europe after taking my Master's degree in education, because I had a wife at the time and it's indisputably socioeconomically easier to have a family in my country, compared to Japan. We got divorced even before she got her residence permit. We had a good run. Eight years.

I've been back to Europe for six years now. I haven't felt happiness or purpose since. The contrast is just bizarre. To the point where it feels like a bad joke. In Japan I was a student, in my own country I work full time. Sure. But come on... I know that life isn't easy and that you can't always be happy and euphoric. I would accept being in some sort of "neutral" state 75% of the time and happy 25% of the time. But I'm sad, lonely and angry 90% of the time and "neutral" 10% of the time. I was diagnosed with medium to severe depression a year ago. Go figure. The antidepressants maybe have taken some of the edges off my feelings and I have learned a lot from my therapist.

But I am still sad. The depression seems unaffected. I still project this seemingly unfounded anger and hatred towards myself. What the heck were those euphoric years in Japan?

Anyway, I have spent about €100 per therapy session for the last year. Once a week the first six months and then once every second week the last six months. I'm considering taking a break. For the money and to explore other options.

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[–] undergroundoverground@lemmy.world 12 points 5 days ago (1 children)

To me, the best therapists teach you to be your own therapist. If they haven't done that then here in lays the problem with privatised medicine and the myth of its efficiency.

Maybe you can combine your love of Japan and need for mindfulness with following the path of zen?

In terms of self hatred and all those horrible things i know you say to yourself, would you say them to anyone else who had been through all the thing you have been through? Like, if you knew it for a fact? Of course not. Then, instead of showing all that empathy to someone who doesn't exist, maybe show a little to yourself? I feel like you need it more than a figment of your imagination. Also, I would recommend learning self soothing too.

Wishing you all the best and I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

[–] emotional_soup_88@programming.dev 7 points 5 days ago

Thank you so much for your kind words! 😊 I will take them to heart. Especially the part about self soothing.