The Onion

(Addis Ababa, Ethiopia) Calling on a spirit of kinship after so much help in the past, the nation of Ethiopia has pledged food and monetary aid to the US as millions face food insecurity across the nation. Abiy Ahbed Ali, Ethiopia’s Prime Minister, announced that the money would go directly to non-profits, to avoid concerns of corruption in the American federal government, which might prevent aid from reaching those in need.

Ethiopia, a nation embroiled in war less than 5 years ago, and still facing drought, still feels fortunate to have leadership facing their problems, and not facing chaos like the United States. “Have you seen pictures of Florida,” said one child at the announcement. “Every time I forget to brush my teeth, that picture of the skinny man on meth comes out, like a nightmare become real. My mother tells me to study hard to one day to be a researcher in Europe or China, not a Floridian.”

Some Americans are insulted by the aid. US president trump calls for the aid to be placed in the SNAP emergency fund, so he can better control it. Warlord…. Correction, Department of War Director Hegseth says going around the government could be considered an attack on America, and might require military action. But Prime Minister Ali calls on those ruling the US and sending troops into cities to stand down, and let Ethiopia help its troubled global neighbor.

Not all Americans are against the aid. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler at a large Texas ranch, says he welcomes the aid. “Ain’t much money in cow tangles, so every scrap of food helps. One day I hope this barren scrub land in Texas can be nice as Ethiopia.”