this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2025
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Relationship Advice

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I'm (31m) having trouble communicating things that are bothering me to my partner (30F) because her insecurities and anxiety keep me having to assure her. (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 5 days ago by meep_launcher@sh.itjust.works to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it's always a horrible time to do so.

A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she'd clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn't, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn't start with "hey, you keep saying you'll clean but you don't".

A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn't get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said "isn't that bette" and she said "well, I don't feel really any different but I'll do this for you".

A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall" as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

At this point I'm feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I'm terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn't want to be blind sided. I'm unsure how to show her I'm unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.

She's the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn't understand people who can't just tell people when they're unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.

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[–] OfCourseNot@fedia.io 2 points 4 days ago

Disclaimer: not a professional or expert in mental health, only experience is my own awful mess of a brain.

First, you don't have any obligation to endure any shit from anyone and would be on the clear to get yourself out. That said, I want to give you a very different perspective from the rest of the comments here.

Reading your post I felt very identified with your girlfriend, tho I haven't self-harmed and I'm self aware enough to have been straight forward with the partners I've had. When she says she's getting the cat food, or she's going to clean, or whatever, she actually means it, for real, but she's unable to get herself to actually do it, or at least to do it in time. This is very anxiety inducing, trust me, or even better, don't trust me and get some information on disorders that affect executive function, I'm suspecting adhd and/or social anxiety, but these usually come mixed with other several issues. Before anything she's going to need a diagnosis, other comments are advising therapy, which for sure is necessary, but I don't thing is gonna be enough, I'm afraid she'll need also medication—your brain gets so out of balance that's impossible to get it to work normally without adjusting its chemistry, if a ram or graphics card in your computer is broken no matter how many drivers you update, it's going to still act up or crash.

Best of luck to both of you and, as I said, this is only your responsibility to the point you want it to be, but at least give my comment a thought or even show it to her, because she does need help.