this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2025
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Relationship Advice

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I'm (31m) having trouble communicating things that are bothering me to my partner (30F) because her insecurities and anxiety keep me having to assure her. (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 4 days ago by meep_launcher@sh.itjust.works to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it's always a horrible time to do so.

A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she'd clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn't, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn't start with "hey, you keep saying you'll clean but you don't".

A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn't get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said "isn't that bette" and she said "well, I don't feel really any different but I'll do this for you".

A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall" as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

At this point I'm feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I'm terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn't want to be blind sided. I'm unsure how to show her I'm unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.

She's the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn't understand people who can't just tell people when they're unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.

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[–] tetrachromacy@lemmy.world 6 points 4 days ago

A lack of self-harm should be celebrated, not used as a bargaining chip or as a reminder that things could go worse if not for their self-control. Saying that in this context is an emotionally manipulative way to imply "If I do self-harm after our next argument, it'll be your fault because you drove me to do it".

All that pales in comparison to her throwing chairs. That's not an acceptable way to demonstrate you're angry or unhappy. This person seems to have some issues with emotional regulation, and you're on the receiving end of that. It sounds like this person would benefit from therapy and maybe even anger management classes.

If you're dead set on continuing this relationship, you'll probably want to get into couples therapy with a licensed marriage & family therapist so you can both work through your respective issues. If not couples, then go to one yourself so you can talk out your feelings with someone and get an outsiders perspective. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will be a partner in your life and who will treat you with love and respect.