this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2025
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Relationship Advice

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I'm (31m) having trouble communicating things that are bothering me to my partner (30F) because her insecurities and anxiety keep me having to assure her. (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 4 days ago by meep_launcher@sh.itjust.works to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it's always a horrible time to do so.

A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she'd clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn't, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn't start with "hey, you keep saying you'll clean but you don't".

A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn't get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said "isn't that bette" and she said "well, I don't feel really any different but I'll do this for you".

A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall" as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

At this point I'm feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I'm terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn't want to be blind sided. I'm unsure how to show her I'm unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.

She's the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn't understand people who can't just tell people when they're unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.

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[–] Nefara@lemmy.world 13 points 4 days ago

I've been in a relationship where the threat of self harm was used as a tactic to control my actions. They would threaten to do terrible things to themselves, and often follow through, at various provocations that they accused me of. They might be the ones being hurt but it is absolutely a tactic to manipulate and take power in the relationship. It might not be something they're entirely conscious of, and might even be an attempt to protect or defend themselves in a convoluted way, but in any case it's a blaring red flag and a sign this person needs therapy. It's up to you if you think this person might be able to work this through or is interested in healing and self improvement.

One thing you should know though, is that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. You are responsible for yours, and leaving, distancing yourself or cutting contact would be reasonable, rational, and possibly necessary reactions in this situation. What they do in response to that is completely in their control and not your fault.