Transfem

It could be a lot worse - a lot of folks don't realize until their 40s or later, 34 isn't too bad! And Oklahoma isn't as bad as where I lived for roughly the first two years of my transition, in the South.

My story sounds pretty similar to yours - I also rationalized in similar ways (my intense feminism, thinking women are just better and easier to get along with, thinking of myself as non-binary so I didn't have to think about transition seriously, etc.).

In my experience it's scariest at the beginning, it only gets easier from here.

The main generic advice at this point would be:

1. start HRT first

I know this sounds like a much later step, but it's actually one of the first things I would do: it is a useful diagnostic step, changes are very slow and it can take a while to even get an appt. to start, and it's extremely low risk and potentially extremely helpful for mental health - you can even stop HRT anytime within the first 3 months without any permanent changes, and after that the only permanent change you risk is having breast bud growth that sticks around.

2. educate yourself

Read any trans related educational material you feel might be useful, but here's a starting list:

• Gender Dysphoria Bible
• Whipping Girl by Julia Serano (and Sexed Up as well)
• Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet
• “What Does the Scholarly Research Say about the Effect of Gender Transition on Transgender Well-Being?”
• An Introduction to Hormone Therapy for Transfeminine People

You might also find helpful this longer list of resources.

I've also put together some tips on how to help with dysphoria you might find useful.

3. get a trans-affirming therapist who has worked with trans patients

It is helpful to work with a therapist, especially early in transition. You might also need them to write letters for you down the road for insurance to cover certain things.

4. if your partner is straight and/or worried about your transition, consider a couples therapist

Unfortunately a lot of marriages go through major changes (or in the worst case, don't survive), so it can be helpful to work with a therapist to help navigate transition in the context of your relationship.

5. start sketching out plans to leave Oklahoma

Honestly you should do this even if you weren't trans, all kinds of important metrics like quality of healthcare, health outcomes, risks of being in a car accident or victim of a crime, etc. are overall better in blue states where the government is functioning better.

Being trans is just another reason among many to leave for a better place.

That said, moving is hard. I recently had to flee from the South and I lost my home, left behind all of my friends and family, and I ended up losing my career of over 10 years. I'm still thankful I did it, but I understand it can be hard. You don't have to have it figured out now, but at this point it's a good idea to have a plan to escape and to work towards it.

6. relax and remind yourself you will be OK

egg-cracking is distressing, just remember that this is the hardest part and that it gets better. Pay attention to your emotional needs and take mental breaks from the topic and pace yourself. Find a way to stay within your threshold of tolerance. Seek support and help from supportive friends and family.

7. find a local trans support group and start attending

Admittedly this will have various downsides, but community is important when you are trans. It is how you learn where to find healthcare, which providers are safe, etc. When I lived in the South, I learned who I should see for everything from the trans support group - even where to get haircuts. It can also be helpful to just be around other trans people, to know you aren't alone in what you are going through.

If your city has a pride parade, usually you can find the trans support group by checking out the organization that organizes the pride parade and other events in town, there is usually at least one big LGBT+ organization in every small to mid-sized city like this, even in places like the South, and usually they host a trans support group.

Feel free to reach out with any questions. I know it's crazy to say this, but congratulations - this is a huge step for your health and well-being, and I'm so happy for you. I know it's hard, but life is likely about to get much better soon 💖