this post was submitted on 18 Oct 2025
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Any relationship Advice? (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by exupulosion@sh.itjust.works to c/autism@lemmy.world
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All my life I was struggling maintaining friendships and closer meaningful relationships, me and my partner only had abusive (physically, too) relationships before we met each other.

The problem is, I probably have bipolar and autism. They have ADHD. We both also have depression. Some days I have manic episode, some are full of apathy and the third type of days is "easy agitation and anger in general".

On days when I'm apathetic or angry-ish I try to not create a situation when something might fail etc. But I forget to say "please" and "thank you" to my partner verbally and it always results in them bursting into hatred and afterwards, tears. I try to rationalise that the wording itself is not important to me and I can't understand why would it be important to them, why won't they just accept that some days with me are better without any confrontation? They insist I'm the abuser because I do not try to understand them, even though I do try. I tried time and time again to memorise and get a habit of using soft language when asking them for anything. But this situation always repeats itself. Like I'm in a limbo.

I think it's called social intelligence? The thing I do lack and why I'm less concerned about the wording of things. It's like I can't remember what topics I can or cannot talk about with a specific person or what triggers they have. It's driving us nuts.

Edit:grammar

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[–] Mighty@lemmy.world 7 points 2 weeks ago

I try to rationalise that the wording itself is not important to me and I can't understand why would it be important to them, why won't they just accept that some days with me are better without any confrontation?

That's not how relationships work. It's important to them. If they are important to you, then you put in the effort. If you can't put in the effort on some days, maybe spend some time apart. The second part of that quote is also pretty problematic. If you are not respectful to them, telling them that they should not confront you about it is really toxic.

I'm autistic and depressed. I make similar mistakes. But I gotta ask myself the question: do I ask of my partner(s) things that I would myself not do? It seems that you are doing that. You're asking them to ignore your behaviour, while you also ask of them to behave correctly towards you.