this post was submitted on 18 Oct 2025
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I don't any randos talking to me on the train. Commute is worse enough without people trying to "connect with me" during it.
Lots of research shows that random social interactions are far more enjoyable than people expect them to be.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-social-explorer/202502/if-socializing-is-so-good-for-us-why-do-we-avoid-it
I expect it not to happen and hope it stays that way since. Please jusr don't bother me while I'm on the train
It's like 90% drunk homeless people that talk to you on trains and buses though. It gets tiring.
If I want chance encounters with sober people, I'll go to the bar. I mean eventually the people there get drunk too, but it's a nice "5 hours and 10 beers" drunk not "what month and/or year is it" drunk.
I’m the guy who takes a shot at a random conversation on the plane.
Doesn’t often turn into anything, but sometimes it’s a nice little glimpse into humanity.
Guess I don’t know what trains you’re on that are so full of the drunk and homeless, but that sounds like a problem in its own right.
Leave me alone.
I once took an overnight flight from the west coast to the east coast. The flight wasn't very crowded and I intentionally picked a seat away from other ocupied seats.
I get on the plane, as I'm warking back to my seat I notice there's entire rows that are empty. So instead of picking a seat in an open row, and this. fucking. guy. picked the window seat closest to my aisle seat, and he talked for most of the flight. In hindsight I should have just sat somewhere else when I first noticed him.
Heh yeah that’s rough.
Baffling that you didn’t switch seats though.
It sounds dumb but I didn't want to be rude.
It's not that the trains are so full of drunk homeless people, but that trains are affordable and also conductors aren't going to physically throw out a person that could get violent. Planes you don't really get on without a ticket. An entire class of people are filtered off the plane because of that.
And anyway, said group are a minority, but they're the only ones who randomly talk to strangers most of the time. Everyone else minds their own business in my experience.
I’m not going to question your experience too much, but it’s sad to me that this would be true.
A random conversation in a random interaction with somebody you could have easily not talked to can be great fun.
It is great fun! That's why I essentially lived at a bar for over a year and nearly always went alone. So many chance encounters and some people I still talk to. Plus even if you're away for a year or 2, the regulars will remember you and come talk to you. Downside was spending 500 euros a month or more on beer.
But public transport? Nobody wants to be there. You've got a goal and it's not socialising, it's getting somewhere. Maybe you're anxious about going to the doctor, maybe you're anticipating a shitty workday. It's annoying to have to talk to other people when you're trying to think about things.
In our culture this is seen as normal: you keep to yourself in public unless at some place where socialising is the norm. And small talk is really hard for us. Other than the weather, wtf do you talk about even. That's why you don't surprise attack people with small talk.
Fully with you.
I would argue that a large chunk of the people you describe above are not “trying to think about things”, they’re just trying to get to point B. They’ve got a goal, after all.
And again, research consistently shows that these interactions tend to be viewed much more positively after they happen than those same people expected them to be, and it holds for either side of the interaction.
I’m sure I’m preaching to the atheists here in the comments. All those replying here all seem to be convinced already, and that’s fine.
Guess I just think it’s interesting that those that would bother to come on the internet to talk to strangers are so convinced that it would be annoying to talk to strangers.
People on the bus or train are just people.
This might be a me thing. I am never not thinking, planning, solving problems. My brain doesn't do idle very easily.
You're from a different culture probably. Literally, most people don't want unsolicited interactions where I'm from. If someone's approaching you to start a conversation out of the blue, they're going to be asking you for booze or cigarettes. Or money. Or they already got their booze and now they're making small talk. And for 50% of the population, the other 50% of the population can be seen as threatening based on gender alone. So it's polite to just shut up and let other people be. You gotta have a reason for talking to people who aren't expecting to be talked to. Not bothering anyone is part of our culture. You don't go to the ER unless there's an axe in your skull, because going there just because you're only MILDLY dying, would be bothering the doctors and nurses and all in all just too much of a fuss.
You’ve talked a lot about this with others I take it? Got good data to work with?
These percentages do make your vibes and intuition much more convincing.
It’s not impolite, sure.
I do have a reason. You just don’t personally like it, except for the other times when you choose it. You’ve convinced yourself that I must want something, so stranger danger bad.
Which culture is this? How is “bothering” defined? You seem to be acting like eye contact and a smile means I’m after your money
You assume I’m bothering people. I assert that I don’t believe it to be true. My point of view had some evidence, which I have linked throughout these comments. Yours are stated as fact despite clearly just being your vibes.
On a plane? That's much worse, you can't just change seats or get out if you want to avoid the person. Oh god
Or… shudder… shut down the conversation with your words and body language.
Oh god the anxiety of it all.
Yes the sort of people who start unsolicited conversations with others on a plane sure is the type to take a subtle hint
So don’t be subtle.
So now you arw putting the pressure on other people to stop you from bothering them insteas of not just bothering them. Not to mention the other person will have no idea how you will take the rejection, what your intentions are and so on.
Seems pretty selfish to put them in that position.
I’m not trying to get into the “how to disengage from a stranger” conversation, but your assessment of people interacting in public seems to be predicated with an assumption that they dont understand people.
You have made some additional bad assumptions about how you think the interactions I’m proposing should go, and how and when they should stop.
The good news is that this hostility toward the world that you seem to set on projecting from these comments is usually pretty obvious, so I probably wouldn’t have bothered.
Just put your headphones on and your hoodie up so you can get back to arguing with strangers on the internet, and continue your transit in misery.
It wouldn't cost you anything not to bother others, especially in situations where they can't leave. I'm sure your intentions are good (even though other's can't know that) but you will be making a lot of people uncomfortable in your attempt to connect with them. There's better places for that than public transit or a plane. That's all.
Also doesn’t cost anything to bring some joy, or if not joy, at least novelty, into people’s lives.
I think you dramatically overestimate how many people are made uncomfortable due to your own anxieties about it. I also think you’re missing out on little opportunities for joy in your life.
I can keep posting links, but it’s pretty clear you’re not reading them. (ETA: they might have been in other threads)
There are also plenty of worse ones.
But you won't know if it will bring them joy or not. But you push ahead, even in situations where people are stuck. It just feels self-serving.
That’s true. Hard to predict the future.
I’d say it’s a lot more likely that joy or anxiety are the outlier cases, and just a kind of indifference, with a positive tone, is the baseline.
And now we’re back to bad assumptions and straw men.
Fine fine, one more link.
https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fa0037323
Non-paywall summary: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/07/26/744267015/want-to-feel-happier-today-try-talking-to-a-stranger
Did you not earlier say how you initiate conversations with people even on planes?
Yes. What is your point?
I'm sorry but I don't understand what the bad assumption and straw man is when you yourself said that you're "the guy who takes a shot at a random conversation on the plane"
These two words completely mischaracterize the situation.
Guessing you haven’t bothered with the links I posted, since you haven’t spoken to them and continue to just try to find ways to pick at some point that I’m not trying to make, but I encourage you to take a few minutes to read them with an open mind.
But you know there's a chance that they're bothered by you, that they're stuck in the situation and you still carry on with trying to connect with them. What wording would you use for the situation?
I like to think of it as giving people an opening.
Make a comment or two that invites discussion. If it takes, great. Maybe chat for a minute, maybe for a while.
If not, oh well, better luck next time.
Wo is interested and who is not is extremely easy to discern, in my opinion. The fact that you clearly think otherwise is not surprising, but I do think it’s easier than you give it credit for.
A lot of people pretend so as not to seem rude. Also you never know how the other person will react otherwise.
I know you find enjoyment in it, I'm just saying that planes and such places where people are stuck with you are pretty risky.
And I will respectfully point out that you seem to be arguing entirely from vibes and anecdotes.
You agreed that you never know how the situation goes. And I'm guessing we agree that people are stuck in planes. So why risk it, if you're going to potentially be making the situation suck for the other person, I'm wondering
Because there’s almost no risk involved.
Answers to this question, and more, are provided in some of the links provided.
The chances of making “the situation suck” are exceedingly small. The chances it “goes well” are quite high. A couple friendly words between strangers. A story to tell later.
Of particular note
You seem to completely discount this possibility, while simultaneously overblowing the risk.
Are you sure?
Sorry. I misread your comment as “people on their phones”.
Then deleted my incorrect reply. I did this before you replied with this sweet gotcha.
I see. To me it seemed like you might have forgot what you said earlier
👍
Or getting hit on. I’m just trying to go home, I have no desire to chat with you. I’m busy go away.
That's kinda what I'm saying though. Those aren't randos! They're other people taking the same commute as you, every day. Make a connection with one and you might start to notice them more. Maybe you have a similar hobby or interest.
Give people a chance to enter your life and they often become more than randos on the train. Maybe you find a commute partner, someone to chat with or bitch to about Jane in Accounting.
I'm not gonna try to convince you, Clearly you saw my point and chose to reject it, that's your choice. I'd urge you to give different thinking a chance though.
They're random people I most likely have never seen before and probably won't ever see again. I live in the city, not a small town where everyone knows each other. The idea of trying to connect with the poor sobs who ended up in the same train as me sounds both crazy and draining as fuck. Not the least bit because where I live, most people cherish that moment to themselves and you'd be fucking that up and bothering them.
If I was commuting with the same four people every day I'd be more likely to talk to them but not in a full ass train with random people.