Content warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts
tl;dr: finished transition, am lonely, invisible, bored and suffering, don't know what to do.
When I started my transition I was miserable, but I endured everything, worked on myself, had bad times and even some very good moments. I eventually solved most of my problems. But life as it is now is not enjoyable. I am alone and suffering. I can't go on forever like this. Things need to improve and I don't know how anymore. I want to have real connections again, a place I feel welcome, a significant other.
Feel free to comment on anything I wrote here. Spare some kind words maybe.
About me: I am in my thirties, started transitioning about 10 years ago. Financially stable although somehow I can't keep a job for long. Living situation is ok(left my hometown 3 years ago). I have 2 people I consider friends currently.
My transness: I am definitely trans. Been in denial till I wasn't. Got HRT, my name changed. Getting euphoria from bottom surgery and breast implants, getting gendered female, dressing fem when I feel like it. No doubt about it.
Progress: I learned a lot in therapy. Mostly how to deal with feelings. Healthy coping mechanisms. It really helped with all the shit I experienced in the last years. I started lifting weights again. Done it for most of my life. I stopped it when I started HRT to look less "manly". Now that I lost most of my muscle mass and reduced my gender dysphoria through various things I don't mind getting buff again. Like running, which I never stopped doing, it also helps with my mental health. So thats nice. I wish I could work out even more, it helps my low self esteem.
Alcohol: I improved overall in reducing my alcohol consumption. Switched from booze to beer and wine. Less drinks overall. Analyzing the reasons why I feel compelled to drink and trying to change it(coping and loosening up around people). Also alcohol doesn't feel so good anymore, it ruins my sleep and it messes with my workouts.
Living as trans: I don't really pass as a woman. I could pass better, if I would wear makeup and adapt my style. But I don't feel like doing that. Getting misgendered(which happens maybe 30% of the time) is no big deal. I am used to it and it doesn't hurt very much. I mostly dress androgynous and more of a butch style(although with long hair). I am rather tall for a woman and a bit wide(shoulders) but I have seen women with the same build. I don't experience discrimination, hate or rejection in life as a trans woman(still surprised by that). I don't get stares, remarks or people laughing or asking strange questions. I am basically invisible most of the time, but I do get asked for directions kinda regularly, so I got that. Dating is a mess. T4T is the only thing that seems viable and I do like trans femmes the most(but yeah, my the dating pool is tiny).
Loneliness: Since moving from small to a medium to now a big city I had plenty opportunities to find friends. But so far it wasn't successful. Had a couple relationships, some even lasting multiple years. Friendships too, but with moving cities and life happening they all vanished. So I know what I am missing. I met people and made some friends but nothing worked longtime. Eventually people stop responding and the chats die down. I don't get invited anymore. The conversations are shallow or I don't connect with them.
So far I tried: Volunteering, maker-spaces, hacker-spaces, repair cafes, dating apps, trans meet ups, queer meet ups, leftist self managed spaces, online spaces, pride events, protest events. The one place that I haven't really tried are clubs. I was told spicy stuff happens there. People hooking up, having fun, etc. I am kinda ace and can't deviate from my sleeping routine(morning Person), also I hate loud places, so I avoid those(went there a couple times over the years).
I am an introvert and still have some social anxiety. But I try my best. Looking for like-minded people, trying to start a conversation, just showing up and being a familiar face in case other people strike up a conversation because I suck at that.
The loneliness really hurts. Plus I have low self esteem that makes me feel like I will never excel at anything. Those two things make me feel awful at times and are the only things that can break me. Like, it drives me to the point where I think about detransitioning just so I can have a a better chance at finding friends or a partner. I have been suicidal because of that. But I can cope, for now. I grudgingly started doing more solo activities. Hiking, solo day trips, reading in public. All without seeking out people as a motivation. I have lost a lot of hope that things will improve.
Identity: In my desperation I feel compelled to try to change things about me. Trying more makeup, playing with clothes, acting differently. Maybe passing better might change things but I don't know and I am comfortable with being an androgynous slob. I tried to reinvent myself, but its futile. In the end I return to my original self.
Mental health: I stopped taking my SSRI after 5 years continuous using. I don't think it helped me much. I only have mild to medium depressive episodes lasting 2 days max and occurring maybe 1-4 times a month, now I am closer to one episode a month. My therapist back then insisted on them when I was suicidal in '17. I am at a much better space mentally since then. I can manage stress, depressive episodes, breakdowns. The suicidal episodes are slowly creeping back into my life. I am thinking about getting a therapist again. But I don't know if that and medication are even necessary. Also getting a therapist in Germany is a pain in the ass.
It sounds like you were holding out hope that the pieces of your life would fall into place in the course of transition. It must be crushing to still feel so lost. The obvious first thing is to resume therapy. You're thinking about doing it, the rest of your post screams that you should do it, other people are commenting that you should do it. Don't delay it. Especially if finding a therapist is a pain the ass, which I assume means looking for one now won't pay off for a long time.
Regarding the failed friendships, I can only say that the lifecycle of adult friendships is often short and it isn't necessarily a reflection on you. Also, a staggering number of people just don't put in the work to keep friendships alive. Don't beat yourself up over it. Keep reaching out, but if people aren't reaching back... Meh.
I don't want to sound preachy about alcohol. You're already on top of that. I just want to say that as a previously pretty light drinker, I still feel the benefit of stopping entirely. I do sometimes miss the ritual of a glass of red while cooking dinner, but not enough to go back to it.
You said that you like running, and that's one activity you haven't mentioned doing in a group. Would you consider joining a running or hiking group? It seems like a low pressure way to incorporate other people into your lifestyle.
I also struggle to conceive of a fulfilling life without a romantic partner, but I try to steer myself towards appreciating the platonic relationships I've made and will continue to make. I also know that my loneliness is worse than it should be. I resent my own company, and seek the company of others to avoid myself. Solitude in moderate doses should not be torture. Again, therapy. I don't think it's wise to focus on your hypothetical partner, as it can blind you to how rich and varied life can be outside of that pursuit. Be open to it, but don't fixate on it.
You didn't elaborate on why you can't keep a job for long, but you're clearly an intelligent and tenacious person, and I get the feeling that you're just taking jobs to get by rather than looking for one that makes you tick. I wonder if that's tied to your low self esteem, because you don't believe you deserve a more fulfilling job. Something that takes up as much of your life as a job does should feel somewhat rewarding aside from the money you're making. Also, as someone who's lacking sufficient human connection, you shouldn't be settling for a lonely job. By that I mean either a job performed in solitude, or a workplace with a shitty culture.
A lot of what you're saying resonates with me, except I'm very early in my transition, so it's kind of like you're reminding me how important it is to keep working on myself. I'm not magically going to become the woman I want to be because of hormones and surgeries. Loving oneself and feeling valid in this world is still its own endeavour. As important as it is to find kinship with others, it should never be at the expense of being who you are.
Thank you very much for your words! They helped.
Some things I want to add for clarification. I think that when the loneliness gets better by having one or two more friends and/or a significant other, that other problems might solve themselves too. I could reduce alcohol even more, spend more times on solo activities that I really enjoy. The loneliness fucks with me. Distorts my thoughts and feelings.
I may look for a running group, I just wish there could be a trans running group. I could imagine that in a gendered setting like running cis people, especially outside leftist circles, are not easy to be around, but I will try regardless. Can't complain if I don't try it.
About my job situation. I am a college dropout and never finished any training till this year so I just worked jobs I could get with my lousy CV. It should improve now. I may start my new job next month. Already had interviews there and we clicked, the work seems very nice.
You're more than welcome, and I'm glad you posted here.💙
I agree that the right friends give you a big push to do the right things. Personally I have a tendency to base my entire self worth on my ability to please others, eroding my sense of self in the process. But that's my thing that I shouldn't project onto you. I just hope that you'll be careful that what you're doing is satisfying your social needs, rather than using other people as a substitute for self actualisation. Dating, however, can be a huge risk if you're feeling emphatically lonely, as you're more sensitive to rejection, real or perceived, and it can push you down deeper. Be careful out there.
Congrats on the training and interviewing! I really hope that place works out for you. If there's any part of you feeling shame for being a "dropout" or having a sparse CV, let that go. All that matters now is that you're active, you're learning, and you're trying. Good employers care that you're doing stuff now. No one else is thinking about your failures and false starts.